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Feb 12, - If you want to know about love, ask someone with a lifetime of experience. Indeed, only about 17 percent of married adults have been married for at “Everybody across all walks of life said the relationship begins with a.
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15 real people share their secrets to a long-lasting relationship

Do they enjoy the same movies I do? Meanwhile, a study of twenty-three thousand married couples found that the similarity of spouses accounted for less than 0.

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In short, what we think we want in a spouse—someone who is just like us and likes all the same things—and what we want in real life are fundamentally mismatched. Most online dating websites are focused on finding you a similar partner. But when you look at meta-analyses of thousands and thousands of couples you find that similarity is insignificant.


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Researcher Eli Finkel argues that the algorithms they use are really no better than random chance because the idea that the person we should be seeking out is our doppelganger ends up leading us astray. But over the course of a lifetime, every couple has problems. Thank you for asking. It means how you feel about feelings. You want someone who handles emotions the same way you do. John Gottman at the University of Washington has amassed a persuasive body of evidence that meta-emotions are the real signal variable in terms of predicting whether or not a marriage will last.

Do you believe you should express anger? Or do you believe in holding it in and waiting for it to fizzle out? Do you think happiness should be shared but anger should be suppressed? Sharing your meta-emotional style gives you a common emotional template, a common language. With long-term relationships you should be less concerned with characteristics that reduce the likelihood of conflict and pay more attention to finding someone who has a similar style of dealing with conflict. Because there is always going to be some. The question is how you deal with those problems. What Gottman has found is that people who have clashing meta-emotional styles, they have a really tough time dealing with conflict.

Even minor annoyances tend to become huge fights, because one partner wants to express and the other partner thinks you should hold it in and then all of a sudden it explodes. To learn the 4 most common relationship problems — and how to fix them — click here. So communication is good. Which leads us to another counterintuitive finding…. According to the scientists, spouses who complain to each other the most, and complain about the least important things, end up having more lasting relationships.

In contrast, couples with high negativity thresholds—they only complain about serious problems—are much more likely to get divorced. In a sense, you can look at complaining and fighting in an intimate relationship as just ways of showing you care. No relationship is trouble-free. To learn how to win every argument, click here. Infatuation is quick, romantic and easy. He falls in love with her in seconds. He sees her and he just knows. He walks over and starts talking in iambic pentameter. Thinking about soulmates and being obsessed with limerence is very romantic.

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Her work is filled with all sorts of sad case studies of people who talk about the high and how at a certain point, they realized it was leading them astray. It was a pure fantasy but it was hard to shake it off. Limerence is chemical fiction. Okay, opposite extreme: what does the research on arranged marriages show?

Arguing Is Good, Too

Am I saying you should have an arranged marriage? Chill out. Going into a long-term relationship focused on limerence leads to disappointment.

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But people in arranged marriages have no such illusions. And so they work. And so it works. But if you do the work, it pays off over the long haul. To learn the science behind how to be a good kisser, click here.

Arguing Is Good, Too

Okay, lots of talk so far about hard work. Is there a way to be more successful in your career and more successful in your relationship? What does a lot of research say produces success in school and career? Guess what? It works in relationships, too. Do you want devotion? To learn more about grit from leading expert Angela Duckworth, click here. Duckworth demonstrated the importance of grit in loving relationships by collecting grit scores from 6, middle-aged adults.

After analyzing the data, and controlling for the influence of other personality traits and demographic factors, she found that gritty men were 17 percent more likely to stay married. Relationships are challenging over the long term. So you want someone who has stick-to-itiveness. When I talked to Duckworth about it, her answer was very straightforward. Secrets in relationships are common. But a body of research suggests they can negatively affect mental and even physical health.

A study out of the University of Santa Barbara suggests that unloading secrets helps people to stop stewing about the secret and thus increases the self-esteem of the revealer — but only when the person to whom they confess has a positive response. It would be a mistake, however, to oversimplify the research findings and assume that secrets always cause harm and revealing them always makes things better. Karl Pillemer, Ph. Christine Hyde, Ph. John Paul Garrison, PsyD.

These effects depend heavily upon the individual, however, Garrison notes. The reality is that people cheat all over the place and are dishonest. Most people, however, are honest because of one thing: fear. For one thing, the mind-wandering aspect of secret-keeping that Slepian wrote about in his study undeniably saps attention from your primary relationship. Your wife might be confused or suspicious and therefore trust you less, or if she believes your explanations, you might feel like a jerk, which might also increase the distance between you.

Having secrets saps mental energy and does tend to wear on most people over time, Garrison agrees. But you might have to take a risk. If it matters to you to be completely honest, you have to find a way to tell the truth. Truthfulness does appear to be a major factor in keeping couples happy in the long term.


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    • In his interviews with older people for the Legacy Project at Cornell, Pillemer says that couples cited honesty and open communication as the two most important elements of a successful, lasting relationship. Porn habits are surprisingly common deal-breakers in many relationships, Garrison says. A husband revealing past homosexual experiences also has proved to be too much for some wives in his practice to handle, he adds.

    Hyde also had a counseling client who was outraged and disgusted that her husband expressed his desire to have sex with her from behind, a position a lot of couples would consider pretty vanilla. If revealing a secret to your partner causes them to reject you then it may not be a good-quality relationship in the first place.

    Many people decide to reveal a secret such as cheating to move forward in a relationship, despite the risks, Garrison says.