You Suck! (Have You Ever Said That to Yourself?):: How To Turn Your Lying Fraidy-Cat Inner Critic In

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Table of contents

• A Breakthrough Way to Conquer Fear - The Beach Memo
• I Feel Lonely: What To Do When You’re Feeling Alone
• Paul, 45, Toronto, Canada
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• You Never Know Just How You Look Through Other People’s Eyes

What can I do when I try to be [x], and I come off as not[x] to some other person? In the very short run, not much of anything. The next thing I can do is ask myself, well, do they have a point? In which case, fair enough. If one does have time and the other party has an interest, one could talk to them about the variance and see where the disconnect is. Your self-image is not the same as the image of you others receive. People will often see you entirely differently than you want them to. If you try to insist that they must, the likelihood of you coming across as petulant and unpleasant rises significantly.

So, no, in this respect, some people often women seeing other people often men as creepers when those other people are trying to be interesting and engaging and fun is not actually an unusual reaction dynamic at all. What is different about the creeper scenario is that there is very often a physical and psychological dynamic that has threatening possibilities to it. People may respond to you differently than you intend; you should still make an effort not to be a grasping, self-centered assbag.

In my experience, being a grasping, self-centered assbag is one of the very few times where how you present yourself is exactly how other people see you, every time, without exception. I think a lot of the disconnect on the prior thread was due to people getting the impression or willfully misunderstanding that someone being creeped out by you means you must leave the party, bus, town or planet you share with them. All it means is that you must stop interacting with them , and that you may only resume interacting with them at their pleasure. I think Gulliver is right. But my therapist had a hard time getting my mind around this idea, so I can see why it can be challenging using MYself as an anecdotal example.

Thanks for this, John. Actions have consequences, and we cannot control outcomes. Our success or failure rate at these attempts define our overall happiness with this approach. I can sort of see that, but I also think representatives of a dominant culture refusing to change to accommodate a minority is sort of universal. This is usually cause IMO by an inability to separate criticism of one single action IN a culture with ravening hordes seeking to destroy everything about that culture, salt the earth, and have a party on the ashes.

Because once in a while an individual that culture has offended will inevitably get angry enough to wish, in public, that the culture be burned to the ground. I hope that a few people who learn something from your observations. Thanks for your words. Some people need to get a hold of themselves. Were the complainants all white males, too? Seeing your chest at the beach is fine if your are a guy or a girl — not so much in certain social situations.

Thank you for this. I plan to point to this the next time I have an argument with my son over intention vs outcome and responsibility of self actions. Sometimes he just needs reminding. They are perfectly free to disagree with me and act like grasping, self-serving assbags if they wish. I hope they are happy in their choice. I have been watching in amazement at the Geek web has gone bat-shit crazy this summer about all of this.

Look, people, it is not hard. Most of the guys getting upset need to remember the days of nerd and geek abuse. Did it feel good when someone set off your inner alarm? Just use about one ounce of empathy and if someone is creeped out by something you do, you apologize and move on. It is not rocket science. The sexual harassment issue in our community is real and the anger that emerged needs to be listened too. Do not let this serious discussion become overwhelmed by the Nice Guy syndrome thanks Captain Awkward! Oh and boys, when male rape is depicted in every genre and screen that I have to sit through, then you might really get our fear based reactions.

That sprang to mind reading this post this morning. We all have those moments when we just miss for whatever reason, whether it is just the wrong audience, the wrong timing, trying too hard, whatever. Being self aware means catching the clues that tell you it is time to pack up and move on from the situation. The conversation from yesterday showed a distinct lack of that sort awareness. I speak from experience, so take heed.

Something about first impressions, second chances, and the lack thereof. Also, I challenge your final statement. Women who marry dangerous life-sentenced murderers, for instance. Also Charlie Sheen gets dates. Constant Assbag will now become the name of my next band in Rock Band, however. Seriously, I am stunned at the amount of effort it is taking to explain these rather simple concepts.

I have never been to a comic or an SF con so I have no idea what the environment is like. Yet I have never seen or heard of this sort of thing being a problem. Now, it is possible I was just blind to it but working on panels and in breakouts with women who complained about their own under representation and often dismissive attitudes something I did see frequently I never heard them complain about creepers. I think John has nailed this one. How you perceive yourself is not necessarily how others perceive you. For instance, I was a small child. I distinctly remember my grandmother on several occasions wondering if I was going to make it to puberty, etc.

All of my siblings were large. I grew up thinking of myself as a small person. The defining moment was during a game session when a young woman, new to gaming, took something I said in character completely wrong and started screaming at me, incoherently. I, stunned, packed my stuff and left so that the rest of the folks could continue their evening.

One of my friends explained it to me and brought it home for me. However, I am 6feet tall and weigh in at lbs. I rarely shave so I am very scruffy looking. I AM a large man and I speak emphatically. That makes some people VERY uncomfortable and some people find me intimidating. So, as a result, I constantly gauge my behavior and watch those around me. I maintain a strict no-fly zone around myself. I never approach new people closer than handshake distance and always move at a mosey.

Seeing a lb scruffy dude marching towards you can be scary. I know it makes me nervous. We just happen to be talking about it a lot the last couple of months. That shows how naive or possibly self satisfied and smug I have been in my social interaction with the people around me, I never knew that someone could take me to be one! You are not responsible for her cerebral meanderings.

One of the most important things to learn in interpersonal relationships is this: Guys do not have a monopoly on being wierdos. There are plenty of crazy, annoying women out there. That post read like you were mixing apples and oranges. You start by talking about a guy doing his leisure suit Larry routine and hitting on a woman and she is clearly not interested. The flip side being, I am not going to walk up and hang out with the jerk who just wants to talk about himself either. Reply to Matt please.

I understand how you feel, all about the intimidating part. Accept my commiserations, pal. Also now I understand why some people instinctively flinch when they come face to face with me for the first time. Scalzi, it would have been better, if I had not read this post.

A Breakthrough Way to Conquer Fear - The Beach Memo

Awww heck that takes out all the fun out of real honest to goodness communication!!! This quoted section is exactly the opposite standard when applied to race. How are you squaring the circle when it comes to the accepted standard concerning gender interaction and the accepted standard concerning racial interaction?

People will see often see you entirely differently than you want them to. Most of these judgments are superficial in nature. I am, btw, speaking within the context of a someone usually a man approaching a member of the opposite sex with the obvious intent of starting some sort of a hopefully personal relationship. I can continue to pursue women who have no interest in me, but it would be absurd for me to then complain about them not being interested in me. I will clarify that I refer here to serial creepers rather than just the casually socially awkward who can sometimes be creepy without realizing it.

Think the dude dressed as a Jedi might be creeping on the girl dressed as the girl from Hunger Games right now. No wait, she just handed him a huge halberd. I was just playing around. So I endure, as graciously as I can, unwanted hugs and little touches from acquaintances who consider those things to be normal, friendly behavior.

No need to make that worse. All of these are things are not easy to think though or explain, so I am very grateful for someone as articulate as you and many of the commenters here to help me formulate those explanations. Bitchez be crazy, right? In most cases it crosses the line from civil to something else says the guy who uses it himself from time to time, but whose site it is and therefore has slightly more leeway on these things. Not everyone will like you. No matter how good your intentions or how hard you try.

With the risk of getting off-topic, If anyone is interested in a bit of reading on what Nina appears to consider to be typical interactions with women — read her link. I have to take issue with this. Which brings up another good point: Nobody is obligated to hang out with anyone else. I wish them well. In a way this is really a marketplace issue.

You can offer what you have your friendship and others are free to accept it or ignore it. Hectoring them and telling them why they are wrong is not usually going to result in more effective and satisfying transactions. Normally you would prepare yourself by trying to find out what the employer is looking for and presenting yourself in a way that would make them want to hire you. One fundamental problem I have with this post. Yes, I cannot help how other people react to me. However, we can insist on mutual respect and compassion, regardless.

I deal with people every day that have some characteristic I am uncomfortable with for my own reasons. That does not give me the right to treat anyone with disrespect. However, I can make an effort to see things from their perspective, I can strive for some empathy and compassion and respect. My point in the above comment: We can acknowledge that there are people with whom we want nothing to do with and still acknowledge their humanity.

Not wanting to interact with someone and treating others with respect and compassion are not mutually exclusive. You can choose to treat people with what you believe is mutual respect and compassion, and I would encourage that. You cannot insist that they interpret what you offer exactly as you intended to offer it. You may make a joke that a week prior would have been funny, but this week something has happened that makes that same joke incredibly distasteful, insensitive or hurtful to a person. You can only be responsible for your own part of the equation and how you handle yourself during the interaction.

That above thought includes allowing others NOT to engage with you if they choose to, even for erroneous aka — unintentionally to you off-putting reasons! But at the same time, when trying to address creepers and harrassment at a systemic level, there is nothing to be gained by attacking people for being driven by fairness and are heavily motivated by honor. Because by themselves, fairness and honor do not make someone a creeper. If someone is motivated by honor, then this definition is about the worst possible thing in the world. And what happened on the other thread was someone compared the unfairness of the definition of creeper with the unfairness of someone walking down the street, calling you a prick, shoulder checking you, and laughing.

If the person is motivated by honor, what what other people think of him, then this feeds into it and makes everything worse. And that there are still others who think they have a leg to stand on when they argue against it. I did just read a piece that seemed to merely explain that we with the author using himself as an example , as mere humans, cannot choose how other people see us, regardless of our intentions. I found your initial reply to be harshly dismissive. That phrase alone is dismissive in that context.

Oh, gee, those women thinking too much…. I am wondering where this fictional creeper is who would actually read this article and cure himself of creepitude. I think Lorenzo is looking at this this from the wrong angle. Most guys get drunk and can act creepy but will apologize and stop. A real predator goes into the whole defensive act and somehow the victim is now the bad guy. The men who have creeped on me have simply not respected me as a person, and that is the central issue. It was offensive, not funny.

And he explains the context extremely well in his opening paragraphs… Maybe I just fell in love with the response in my head. Any time a customer got mad at me when I worked at a certain bookstore, my coworkers generally took it as a sign that the person must be completely out-of-their-heads crazy. When I was working at that bookstore, I frequently bought used books from people. Sometimes they would call ahead of time, trying to get a guarantee over the phone that we would buy them.

Someone with this sort of vested interest, and zero expertise or empathy for the store, cannot be trusted to have the right perception of their books let alone themselves…! The more times they said it, the worse the books would be. Do not, I repeat, do NOT take such protestations at face value.

Not that it matters. Exactly as Scalzi already explained. There is nothing that says this opinion is or must be driven by any particular behavior. I teach, own a business and go to school and I meet several people daily who make me uncomfortable, so uncomfortable I want to run. But, we as a society have grown to coddle women.

And it does happen. The admonition to grow up certainly applies, here, Scorpius. The person for whom that admonition would best apply may surprise you. I keep seeing folks seeming to confuse serious creeping with baseline uncomfortable. I think that following the suggested rules works out just about right. No touching, no looming, blocking, following. Up to that point I see no issues. You do need to pay attention to the social situation. You do need to react to things you perceive.

It does make you a creeper if you continue to force your presence on folks who you know feel this way. Take things slow and calm until you get better at reading people and situations and as has been pointed out, anyone can learn this stuff…just that in some cases it takes effort where other folks get it instinctively. Scorpius — Encouraging women to report harassing behavior to authority figures and taking their reports of such seriously is not coddling.

This post and the sentiment it espouses would have been very valuable to me in my twenties a long time ago! I have to deal with it. Most girls do NOT want to make a scene yes I acknowledge there are crazies out there , so when a girl says something, she tends to make light of it. I on the other hand have punched guys who thought they had the right to touch me. For some reasons guys respect that more???? When a girl complains that a guy has made her uncomfortable what she is usually saying is that he has invaded her personal space repeatedly or made incredibly scary comments like rapish shit that she is starting to get the idea are not actually jokes.

You, as a man, do not have the built in fear that every woman on this planet has to deal with. So when someone says they are uncomfortable with something, then the guy should man up and walk away!!!! And depending on the circumstances, open to civil liability. A survey recently reported in the New York Times http: Good lord, you turn away for a second and they just get worse. While I dislike the sneering attitude of this quote, the truth is that respect is the key for women remaining safe. So I fail to see how that invalidates my point. I suggest that you use the word pride instead; that has the double virtues of being accurate and demonstrating that you are not an insensitive creep….

Other people, who are not predators — or drunk for that matter — can get defensive. I teach seminars all over the country, and we get evaluations. The feedback is often helpful and almost always positive, but sometimes an attendee will make a comment on the evaluation that really takes me aback. There is nothing I can do after the fact. It is just a fact of life — not everyone is going to like you, or think you are smart or handsome or witty or funny, or whatever. So, learn to live with it and accept it. The funny thing is, I could have 29 people say they loved my seminar, and 1 person say they hated it.

Which response do I think about the most? I finally had to learn to accept that not everyone is going to like me. I live in a town where, the definition of creep is, anyone who does not vote Tea Party, does not think the Earth was created in six days, believes in global warming or has an IQ over I gave up on the idea of dating when I was If someone thinks I am trying to pick them up, all I can say is, please stop with the drugs. Yes, I have been accused of being a creep for attempting to barge into a conversation.

It was only to tell a woman that her car was smoking and I thought, it might catch on fire. Second, a lot of businesses now have rules regarding harassment. I suggest that you use the word pride instead; that has the double virtues of being accurate. Pride is listed as one of the seven deadly sins.

If you want to actually discuss what I posted at Many places where honor could be used, you can replace it with respect. Greg, other than derailing, I have no idea why you need to point out the blatantly obvious that people are sometimes wrong. He is kind of earnestly, puppydoggishly charming in his own way. He seems pretty harmless. But he is a creeper. At total, total, total asshat creeper. Every way in which he interacts with women, from Penny, to his mother, to Bernadette, is awful. He clearly perceives them strictly as creatures who exist for his convenience: Penny and other women as something pretty to look at, have sex with, or boost his status by decorating him arm candy ; his mother as his servant and food-provider; and Bernadette as both fortunately she stands up to him, but why she went out with him again after they first broke up is a bit of a —oh, wait, he kept stalking her until she gave in.

No cookie for you! Not perceiving men as human creates similar problems. They are not very different from you. Take some time to watch Big Bang Theory with an eye towards this some time. Howard is definitely a creeper and Koothrapali often is. Leonard is not, but he gets excluded or used just as often as the other geeks, if not more so.

It has been heartbreaking to watch him be routinely ostracized because women lump him in with the actual creepers. And you know what? What you said was this: But sometimes humans are wrong. Michael Lee, what is your friend doing to address his crippling shyness? Sounds like a very unhappy way to live. Perhaps you could spend a few moments searching on honour killings; you will rapidly discover that your dictionary definition is somewhat outdated. You could even read some of the reports which your search will pull up…. What I do think is different is the number of people from this community who take the time to follow threads of discussions across the net and who are willing to comment on those discussions.

Gregg, yes, we can be wrong about labelling someone a creep. However, here is the point about being correct or incorrect: Or not, but that person is aware that there is less of an easy mark there. The word you are looking for is not honor. The key difference between what you are responding to and what MNmom said is and somehow the victim is now the bad guy.

One is a creeper. There is a difference: You might someday be able to transform yourself into the equivalent of JK Rowling. It is at least possible. A man or, for that matter, a woman who is short and unattractive is not able to rise out of that station—at least where interactions with the opposite sex are concerned. I took the liberty of Googling you, and you are quite physically attractive yourself. So no, that is a problem that you have never had to deal with, just as neither of us has had to deal with being African-American or gay. You do not know what it is like to be chronically unattractive to the opposite sex.

It is therefore comparatively easy for you to take a dismissive attitude toward the problem. The point is that socially awkward, unattractive people are unlikely to ever be the beneficiaries of any sort of affirmative action program. Even in comparatively liberal and open-minded circles like this, there is little sympathy for the guy who is chronically rejected by women because he is short or just plain unattractive. Basically the attitude seems to be rather Randian: Too bad, deal with it. Then he attends a sci-fi conference where he mistakenly believes that his physical attributes will not be an impediment to attracting women.

Then he is rejected there, as well. So the guy behaves inappropriately in response. And unlike other disadvantaged groups, there are generally treated with derision rather than sympathy. This is an apolitical issue. A short ugly guy who is an avowed feminist will be summarily rejected by women along with the short ugly guy who is a Bible-thumping Republican.

I am speaking here to the issue as it affects men, because that is the context of the Readercon discussion. There is a female side to this as well…but that is another discussion. The thing is, a science-fiction convention is a mixed space. Fans attending are usually there to have fun. For invited speakers, writers, editors, artists, dealers—they are in the end there for professional reasons and the con is a work space for them. When these people get creeped on at a science-fiction convention, it is a problem of the same order for them as being creeped on at any other professional conference.

As an illustration of the second example, just swap roles. As an illustration of the third example, consider a conversation between a vet just back from a war zone and a family member of a rape victim. Cringe for a while imagining all the possibilities. I am going to reject him. Therefore, he was acting inappropriately long before he was rejected. Stevie, are you interested in discussing my post at Because by themselves, fairness and respect do not make someone a creeper.

If the person is motivated by respect, what what other people think of him, then this feeds into it and makes everything worse. We want the person making someone feel uncomfortable to stop doing that behavior. I see it as the difference in the following two situations: Person A wishes to talk to Person B. Person B does not wish to talk to Person A. No one loses face. Person C wishes to talk to Person D. Person C loses face, and Person D loses the ability to feel safe at the conference. One of the biggest crushes I had in my life was on a guy who was homely and geeky, with a big nose, horse face, and stringy hair.

He was also smart, imaginative, witty, and willing to interact with all kinds of people and take his chances with the opposite sex. We had a fling when his on-again-off-again relationship was off, and I was sad when he and his girlfriend got back together. She was an up-and-coming theater arts person in the craft area, not an actress whose name was soon seen in movie credits.

So on at least a superficial level, he had enough going for him to attract smart and reasonably accomplished women I was starting my own business right around then. I know a ton of short people, overweight people, and homely people who interact just fine with the opposite sex, find a long-term partner, have kids, etc. I find it hard to believe that the only people you know who interact well with the opposite sex are conventionally attractive. If your self-esteem is low, work on it, alone or with the help of a professional. Scalzi is describing a social dynamic that is very, very complex.

When someone makes someone else uncomfortable, we should absolutely respect that feeling. Obviously, unwanted physical contact, harassment and the like get absolutely no sympathy. But, at the other end of the spectrum, we see people who are ostracized for simply not being cool enough. As a society, we sometimes catch the dolphins with the tuna. I think my problem with these posts is that it presents a very black and white ideology. But, barring the absolute no-nos physical contact, harassment, stalking, etc.

My girlfriend and I make an excellent example. A few nights ago we met at a restaurant. She had gotten there before me and was standing in the waiting area. I walked up to her, slid my hand around her hip and gave her a closed-mouth kiss. There was no spit swap. The kiss lasted significantly less than a second. Yet, when we went to find seats while we waited, we both noticed a fair number of people who disapproved of our display.

I completely agree, and creeping towards a specific goal sums it up. Perhaps we could direct them to Dan Savage for a second opinion; he would be a great deal ruder about it but the answer is going to be the same…. How is the creeped out person supposed to tell the difference between innocence and potential rapist? BW Sadly, not much. This would be the exact opposite of creeping behavior as it shows respect the person creeped out. External responses to public displays of affection are a poor choice of example.

Both people involved in the display are likely interested. If, however, your girlfriend did not want to put on that kind of display in public and you forced the issue? But no one has argued that. Walk away and do something else. Because your behavior is between you and your girlfriend. If Person A in the restaurant thinks it was disgusting, they get to think that. Michael Lee, sorry to hear that about your friend. But nothing is going to change in his life without his making some effort to change it.

I understand about learned helplessness. Happens all the time. But no person — short, ugly, tall, attractive or otherwise — is owed interaction with a specific person, or even in a specific circumstance. It will affect how he interacts with people, and we will notice. It makes me feel stupid. I think some of the defensiveness comes from entitlement and cluelessness. I also think some of the defensiveness comes from how the label is changing, and the failure to differentiate between a person who does a creep thing and a person who is inherently creepy.

Or more generally between a person that does a bad thing and person that is bad. To be clear, I think this failure is internal to the people who are doing the objection. Back when I dated I know I came on too strong and was creepy towards a woman that I liked. There was no second date and I get why. I was creepy and way too intense.

Creepy seems to apply to that situation. Please explain to me what your request has to do with the conversation we are having about creeperness. What she said was rude, certainly. Miss Manners could probably give you an appropriately scathing and still polite response. Disappointment is disappointing; news at eleven. I can be more successful than I am, possibly—but most people can take measures to make themselves more attractive to a wider variety of people. And yes, romantic relationships often depend on sexual attraction, which is often physical.

Exactly what am I supposed to do about it? Start running a charity organization in my pants? Walking down the street at night, better safe than sorry. Label the person following you a creep and remove yourself, call the authorities, whatever, to keep yourself safe. But I was talking about the words you used on this thread. And we can afford to be a little more accurate with our words here on this thread.

In order for there to have been jail time: Somebody call the governor of illinois and tell him to reinstate the death penalty. I think it is, unfortunately, the duty of the perceived creeper to back away. I am a cold blooded reptile a chameleon with worst poisons and venom than a snake and when I bite my victims will go into shock and never have suspected it, cause I was sucking their cock the ultimate predator I am! As miss Jekyll I Hyde and rage like rabbid animal that should be locked in cage Maximum security for all of eternity Its the only thing really safe for the rest of humanity.

You really should at all cost refrain from trying To peek inside my brain that will only be the binging of your pain and launch another covert attack behind your back that i have been doing all along, basically since We first met , I mix it with some glee so it makes it hard to see!

Do you believe in monsters? I am vulgar crude rude and vile what else would you expect from satans child. I am a seething fire breathing modern day Jezebel straight out of hell. Have ever seen a three dollar bill? I will threaten you with legions that i do not have! And if i sense you are getting wise and have allies that will listen and advise rest assured I will stir up some shit and sever those ties in a web with plenty of lies i will have got to them long before you with your S.

I Feel Lonely: What To Do When You’re Feeling Alone

S call in distress Dint you know a apex predator always separates its prey from the rest of the flock? I do have fears cause over the years my looks have defiantly diminished can I still hunt with only a cunt? I hope its all not finished. Ive wasted my life but have pasted that price on all of you. And when you emerge from the fog ill have you so exhausted and cut down ,shell shocked like a log from all the toxicity. My greatest fear and need is to hide and not be discovered for then how would i feed if they ever recovered.

But i like attention its part of my plea but that draws attention kinda a paradox you will see What can I do but sit in fear when the end draws near this is my big secret not yours Everything is mine and i want to take to my grave and if you have put it all together and have gotten away i will still say good luck finding someone that can love you like and as much as me good lord you could only fucking hope not even tho we are somewhat rare. NO But you will see rest assured it will not be full of glee the end. This is a really good post. And, explains my ex perfectly.

I work with a young lady like this. She was promoted despite the aforementioned characteristics. At first I was the only one that noticed her behavior because I worked the closest to her. Now others see the sociopathic tendencies but no one in a position of authority. Our team is coping with it in different ways. I have reached out to HR because of the abuse that I have personally endured working with this person but they have minimized my very real accusations and excused her. Everyone in authority is under her spell and convinced she is a prized employee simply experiencing the jealousy of people around her.

They have no idea exactly what they have added power to and my last resort is filing a discrimination claim or seeking legal counsel. I have fought at every point yet I am unsupported by authority.

• SALVATION (2101 Chronicles Book 5).
• The Hunt for Nazi Spies: Fighting Espionage in Vichy France.
• How to Spot — and Handle — a Sociopath «.

When I interview, shall I ask have you employed any sociopaths that I will need to work with? But to me, it is more valuable to acquire skill and practice with being in control with people like this. This is my vindication! I am in the exact same situation. I would be interested to know how your situation worked out. I am exiting a 16 year marriage with a full-blown sociopath. We have ourselves and our 2 dogs. We lost the trust with every neighbor, friend, family friend, and family members, with the exception of a few family members thanks to the charm and professional acting skills of a sociopath.

All I can do is save money to pay for the attorneys that were never necessary in a normal breakup I live in constant of fear of what his next calculation will be. I searched for answers for years knowing that something was wrong. For anyone else reading this, the big red flag indicator is the deep seeded underlying rage. It will never leave and their rage is with them to stay. I agree that their cruelty and selfishness eventually catches up with them and they get a bad reputation.

I think also when their looks and youth fade their power does as well. In their prime they do the most damage effortlessly. I notice they tend to associate with eachother in packs as well with a few liyal lackies that are just happy to have someone to hang out with and call a friend. I think the best way to live your life is to build your own family unit. Sociopaths usually are a total failure at that. I encountered one and knew something was wrong. He used people around me to persuade me to let him. I kept pushing him away till it was too late.

I trusted him one night and he took the only chance he had and sexually took advantage of me. I felt as I was his submissive child as I sat there waiting for him to be ready to sexually take advantage of me again. I still tried to stay away from him but felt submissive. It took me 2 months to figure out what had happened. I knew I was not and seemed out professional help. To my shocking surprise my therapist sucked and I still felt it was me. I could finally work toward healing after I cried for an hour uncontroablly I called him and told hm what I thought of him and I knew what he was.

He denied it and teased me and tried to intrigue me. He also threatened me with killing me if I said anything. I guess to check if I would tell anyone about him. I stay low key and my life is so private now. Life after a sociopath is never and will never be the same again. I find it hard to smile sometimes as to display vulnerability. But he left me with a lifetime of fear. May God bless all who are barely ready and researching sociopaths.

My journey has all been within the past months and I pray I shall never encounter one again. If I do I am better equipped to recognize the signs and trust my gut and nothing anyone else has to say. I bought the book you referenced above because I just learned I married a sociopath.

We were not even married 2 months before it came out that he was living a double life. He had secrets a plenty and I had been manipulated into carrying on a relationship with this person. He had even convinced family members to keep his secrets. As I was reading this book, as quickly as possible, I realized how closely it described him and his relationships. Everything described in the book was true to me and my situation.

I just wish I could spread this word like wildfire because it would save so many people from getting caught up with people like this. My sociopath EX-BF was introduced to me by a former friend who wanted me to do her a favor. This guy was in prison! An inmate with a very high IQ. He studied law and claims to have a photographic memory. Someone who will enjoy conversing, letting me know someone on the outside.

From what I was told, he was a good guy put into prison under false name, etc. I trusted the ex friend. See, he was an inmate. He was not even there under his correct name or social security. The red flags were there almost at the beginning but he quickly even charmed me after our first telephone altercation. Always that I was God sent to him. That his parents beat him, they were awful to one another, etc. I felt his pain. He always, always told me I was his girl.

He wanted to marry me. I saw a pattern with him. Then, his father would mostly break his promise to go to visit and then not show up. I often said I felt he kept me separted from his family. He would make excuses. They never talked since. However, she was the first he contacted via FB over myself. He talked his way out of that one…so he thought. He ended coming to visit for 15 days.

The sex was immediate and the worst EVER!!! He was rough, fast and selfish…but he looked in my eyes telling me how in love he was with me. I let it slide because of him being 10 yrs in prison. We spent a lot of alone time together. He told me prior he wanted just US as much as possible. He needed to purge and needed peace. At the time the paintings sent, he knew that I spent a lot of time and money having them framed. What he wrote on the back of each painting were the most beautiful words ever said to me.

Again, I respected him. I let him sleep in as he never slept on bed in 11 yrs…to include at his fathers home. Much of what he stated, I researched and he was right. His calls to me which were once all the time for hours on end came to a trickle. He always talked of giving me a trust for being the Godsent goodness.

Paul, 45, Toronto, Canada

All while he made me feel such sorry for him. No reason but my EX would play us and I see that now. He beat my EX as a child to the point of throwing him through a wall a few times. One morning, I woke to find he set up another social media under a false name.

I phoned him immediate. NO answer unusual none until late that day. From then on, more lies. I consulted not one but two psychics. They told me he was lying and lies like a dog. The dude cheated on me with both men and women. I still felt pitty for him as I did not research sociopaths at that point. His stepMother and father fight all the time. One excuse after the other. My next call was his probation officer.

She was limited but did elude he tried to come to me first but legally he had to go to family. This other inmate told me they all got to HATE my ex as they would hear him on the phone with me…screaming. The normal one of family. He said the brother first used his name and SS under his first arrest. Have consulted Dist State atty and a few others.

At a standstill because I have a 17 year old daughter and two older sons. This is where I need help. Please help if you can. Thank you so much for your time. We were married for 24 years, divorced for 6, and remarried for 3. I was blindsided with deception, Im generally not this stupid and I felt for years that it could not possible be him causing all of the trouble, so it had to be me. One day I woke up, and I was horrified.

I am still somewhat confused however, and feel like maybe I am the crazy one sometimes. I know that I cannot tolerate the situation much longer. Is there anyone that I can talk to about this to help me get my bearings? A question that I have is: It is just so hard to control my negative feelings towards him. Can someone help me? I have worked directly FOR two individuals I would guess are either sociopaths or narcissistic defined people—I am not a psychologist or credentialed mental health individual. Denied access to counsel, no access to advice or a witness, no evidence or citation of any incident, no right to independent opinion or opinions.

Finally a lawyer and legal scholar negotiated a retirement for me. Look for another job? Wow, did I work at finding another job. I tried for two years applying for other jobs, however, being older, and seeking employment during a time when the market was in a surfeit of able folk, did not manage to get out in time. And, here is a good part, much of the accusations in writing. Yes, how bold is that? How did I challenge this supervisor? I notified her that an employee I supervised was taking home medical reports from hospitals to use for teleworking and that would be in violation of HIPAA.

I offered the employee a number of other options for projects to take home for teleworking. The employee was distraught about the change in home work options and immediately sought relief from my boss. My recommendation was made after having other individuals work with him and confirm my experiences. My boss personally hired him over my selection of another candidate. Never, never disagree or offer another opinion to a what I suspect now is a sociopath or narcissist.

Incredibly I was informed the intended result was not for me to leave ultimately. May be true, may be not. Last, my previous experience might never have happened if followed the so-called gut response. My gut was screaming no, no, no, after two interviews and the job offered. But I said yes when offered the position.. I thought I could manage the situation. Found out when leaving after six months in a defensive back out, I was number four in the position during about approximately 18 months.

Two previous individuals in the same position called me and our stories of our experiences matched closely. And you know what? I could easily walk into such a situation again including social situations—which have their own brand of hell.

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Never underestimate the power of the mask. Try to do research, beat the drums, find out what you can, particularly who was there before. Do not be too eager to close the sale, when presenting yourself at the interview, of course sell your skills, knowledges and abilities, keep in mind what the job has to offer you. Take close note of what is around you at the interview. Sometimes the job you do not get is a bullet missed. Some of the rules for a personality disorder of these types I have read are to never give bad news, never disagree, remember, you will never regret what you do not say, and make you job getting another job.

The conundrum is if you do not say or do something to meet or improve standards or quality or ethics of the job you might be OK in avoiding bad attention, but if a problem arises you will be held accountable and take the weight. Let me end by saying the experiences outlined above is devastating, confounding, and affects nearly all parts of your life, the experience can be a tsumai emotionally, physically, and cognitively, because nothing computes. How to fathom this stuff? I work with this person. This person has tried all of the above tricks on me and I have remain un affected at least I hide it well but has also since climbed the corporate ladder to the top and it makes me sick.

I might have to move on. I can NOT work under this person. This was a great article. I am working with one now. He sits an arm length away for almost a year and realizing now he is a sociopath. I am more anxious, c r anky losimg sleep over it. We are startinG a plan to get him fired buT it might kill me if it goeson too long. I also had dealings with a so-called best friend who tried to turn around everything this person did onto me. Let me start and tell you please excused me my grammar.

After reading this article now all makes sence to me. Thank you for opening my eyes. We start dating 2,5 years ago we both We lived together my ex bf was sweet and now I see he was just fake con artists. Always telling me how much he loves me, wanna get married and wants to have a family with me. I stand by him, trust him and I helped him when he need it or when he was down. He took me to see the rings, we went to see wedding space and he told my friend mother he cant wait to marry me. He always asked me to trust him and believe him.

About 1,5 year ago we start trying for a baby, I always want to have kids and I was happy my ex bf wanna too. Early In life I had 2 ectopic pregnancy I could not get pregnat naturally. We went for IVF. This summer we went away tropical and I double check and asked Him.

He said He will make it right get a ring and we get married this year. He was taking his medications and injecting me In the morning and in the evening with hormones in my belly. I knew that he went to get one 2 month ago. I was conused and knew its has to be some kind of mistake. That morning I came home and I asked him, where is your blood test, he said he has it and will make sure he will fax it to the doctor right away as soon as he gets to the office.

That was horrible lies. That was the one most scary moments in my life I felt like an idiot stupid used garbage and alone. I knew I am 40 and will probably never have another chance to have a baby. I had only 2 days to make a decision to choose to let him win or move and keep go on with IvF on my own , I decided to go alone and only option left to get a DONOR.

That was crazy but in my heart I knew it I can do this and it was my last and only door to try to have children. I thought our feelings for eachother was real. He was free and I would never ask him for nothing he did not want it. It was all his ideas 2,5 years of empty promises of beautiful frad Love. He said he wants have a family get married and have each other forever infinity: I helped him to fix his life his practice and I was always there when he asked me to. I believed he loves me: I spoke with his ex girlfriend and he was promising her the same things.

So the truth is He never loved me I was just another game for him. He must lie himself everyday about everything he is. I want kids so bad but never wanted it to happen like this, I am trying to stay as strong as possible but it is soo hard!! I so want to be a mom. I want to share my future with someone.

I want to celebrate the holidays with my future children. I did not begin this journey alone, but now I am at this place through no choice of my own. My single by choice is not really my choice. I am glad I did not let to win a loser sociopath and moved on! Now more and more I am thinking how lucky is my baby will not have this incense man in our lives.

I have encountered a sociopath in my church. I made the mistake of also moving in with her, at her begging request for a need of a roommate. I stayed with her for two months and during that short time frame, I feel that my whole being was sweetly under attack, only I could not for the life of me figure out what I had done to deserve it.

Ive since moved out from her place and still attending church, but her wrath against me prevails. Even though I try to stay clear of her path, she seems to find one that leads to me, whether it be her control over other members of the church, or finding an excuse to approach me, forcing an interaction with her.

I do not want to feign defeat, which is the only reason Im still hanging on to any self respect I have when I show my face to church, but it is hard. In my dealings with her I have learned that she does not have any real feelings of empathy for anyone except for herself. But her crocodile tears come easily when appropriate. She has a power, an influence over weaker minded people. She is in a high ranking position, and she knows how to present herself in a professional manner in the toughest situations, and speaks to win over anyone who listens.

But I can see through it. I view her as very insecure, and her anger has roots in deep seated hatred. She functions in an environment where there are strict rules of conduct and respect, yet she lives and believes in none of them, yet she gets away with it. Sometimes I wish I had her cunning. If I showed my true feelings and gave her a stern look, while all the while saying no,no to her sweet pleas for favors will it enrage her into attacking me even harder?

She already has everyone in church convinced that I am the devil. Any advice greatly appreciated! I wish someone could have warned me. I just walked away from a four and half year relationship with a sociopath. It would take me all night to detail out the chaos he inserted into my life.

My current bf has all the above. Everything was a lie. And my hurt feelings were replaced with shoes, money, etc. I remember when we first started dating we were talking and I said no. He then slouched over a little and laughed with a big NICE smile. Now I know he was serious. He will NOT take no for an answer. I am just now in the beginning of the end of this horrific experience. I dont know where to begin. I am suspicious of everything.

I dated asocipath for 8 months, after a few months, little things did not add up, I could never put my finger on it, I suspected him lying, I was correct. Why I kept forgiving him, why I pittied him why I took him back? I know the feeling. He just showed me how much I meant to him. But in less than a week, 2days to be exact, he started to win over his ex and proposed as if I never existed.

I kept on taking him back. I hope this is the last. This article is awkwardly demeaning to anyone who has been evaluated as a sociopath. Though it is true that sociopaths lack the ability to feel remorse they also have a high ability for processing logic. Most are driven by their own goals which is why they are able to climb typical chains of command. Simply looking at the four percent statistic will say that nearly three hundred and fifty million people alive are sociopaths. Less than one percent of those three hundred and fifty million are serial killers or even murderers.

A much higher percentage of people struggling to find their own sexual identity are revealed to be murderers. Does this mean that we should watch and avoid everyone who thinks they might be gay? This article is a waste of time and shames a group simply based on implications founded by non comparative statistics. I found it quite helpful given I have dealt with, not one, but TWO full blown psychopaths this year. How the heck does THAT happen?! They were like heat seeking missiles and quickly jockeyed to try and manipulate me. I JUST severed a business relationship with the second psycho only days ago and my genuine fear is that she will stop at nothing to screw me over.

I am preemptively doing everything I can to block her moves before they happen. Anyway, great article and very good info. I have only just worked it out. He started doing the same sport as me and became what I thought was a friend, how wrong I was. He was in my wedding party and I worked with him for a while. We subsequently split up and now I only see my children on holidays.

I come from a small town and had no idea how much he was lying about me and starting roumers about me and my family who have been well respected for generations. I feel like he has taken my life from me and is laughing at me. He is 27 years old, and displays all of the symptoms you described here.

I have been physically abused by my brother on and off over the years, and he throws periodic temper tantrums in which he yells and breaks things, and throws out threats about litigation or other things that he thinks might elicit a reaction. I am concerned for my safety. I feel like I am living with a ticking time bomb and I am not sure how to address it.

How exactly am I supposed to coexist with a sociopath, and mitigate the threat they pose, at least long enough to distance myself from him? I have recently identified a workplace sociopath. She fits the bill exactly, crocodile tears, trying to be Ms Congeniality, but totally without a conscience, remorse or true compassion. I called in a personal favor from a friend at her request and discovered she has hoodwinked, lied and cheated my friend, and when I called her on it, she had the gall to accuse and insult my friend of lies and deceit.

She gives me the shivers and the creeps. I have not come into close contact with such evil so close at hand, and I literally have the shivers, shakes and the jitters. Yes, now and then a commentator will call a politician or CEO or similar a sociopath. Thanks for the analysis. Lack of conscience, empathy, love, respect are key once one knows the rules….

Reading your blog is very revealing to me. I keep reading just in case there is another explanation for all the madness that he brought into my life. At first I thought he was eccentric, a label he gave himself and revelled in. Then I thought that he was just an alcoholic, something that he had sunk into following a bitter marriage and divorce. When faced with the truth of his actions — living totally off me and my inheritance for three years, I paid for everything — our home, everything in it, his car, his phone, his clothes, his medical prescriptions, his cigarettes and his drink, meals out and holidays.

He made no effort to contribute, when I set up a business for him, he became bored immediately and made excuses about his bad knees that prevented him from doing anything. When faced with the truth of all this he just said that it was the reason he drank — because he felt bad about himself. In effect it was my fault for being too generous. He also said that he drank because I left him alone every few weeks to visit my young adult children, who, naturally refused to accept my relationship with him. For three years I juggled their dislike and his sulking, until when I broke down in frustration he blamed their attitude towards me and said that I had spoiled them.

Often I stood and listened to him telling people we met about his film career, he was an uncredited extra in one or two films over thirty years. He had lived in the US for twenty years and this gave him a glamour in Britain, where nobody could really dispute what he claimed including his family and conversely, being British in the US gave him an attraction especially when he claimed to have played polo with Prince Charles. The truth is, he returned in his early fifties to Britain, penniless, homeless and boasting that he never even had to buy underwear as people women gave him things. At this point he homed in on me, especially when he learned that my Father had just died, and knowing that my marriage had been effectively over for years.

At this time he was reliant on his elderly parents, and desperate to break away. I believed his story of undying love for me, and how he had missed me all those intervening years. He was passionate, it was only months later that I discovered he took pills to help him. I also discovered that he had been taking prescription anti anxiety pills for years. I blamed all of his behaviour on the alcohol, and tried to understand. He went into rehab twice, it was totally ineffective.

As I have discovered more and more of his lies, they are endless, and when faced with them he flatly refuses to accept that they are lies; I realise that he is a sociopath. He has no friends, no contact with his son in the US, since we parted he has been living in a homeless hostel. There, he charms everyone with his glamorous tales and gets favours from the staff. After all this, I have sometimes yearned for him and the love he seems to offer. I speak to him every day.

I am dealing with a person that I believe is a sociopath and lives directly across the street from me.

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I have had a long running history with him. He is mostly native American and tries to imply that he is some sort of healer. He has created a situation wherein I had to get the police involved and take him to court. The judge ruled in my favor. I try to ignore him and his wife.

When he causes a noise disturbance ruling in my favor I again call the police to issue a summons. His presence is quite disturbing and he shines spotlights at my house. I cannot do anything legally as we do not have a light ordinance. Thanks for your time Sincerely Joe Mazzone. My father is a sociopath. Not to mention a verbal punching bag. I dated a sociopath too and dey r similar in most of the aspects.

Find a healthy way to distract yourself from the loneliness, like exercise, meditation, or even temporarily playing a distracting video game? Why do you think you feel less alone at certain times? How can you expand on those positive times? For example, if you feel good at work, maybe you could spend more time with your coworkers or find hobbies like volunteering that build on similar skills you enjoy sharing at work.

Are the activities you enjoy social? If so, how can you participate in these activities more? If the activities are isolated, how can you connect with others who enjoy these activities? The Internet is an incredible resource for building community with people around the world who share your interests. People who use the Internet to really connect with others are less likely to feel lonely.

If there are friends, coworkers, or family members that you feel good being around, make plans to spend more time with them. Think of activities you could do together or things you could share on a more regular basis. Because our brains do not respond positively to seclusion, place yourself in social settings, even if you are among strangers. If you feel shy in public, try going online. Interacting on the Internet may be a good first step in giving you the confidence to express yourself. Fight hard against the critical inner voices that try to talk you into isolating yourself.

One of the best actions we can take to counteract the hopelessness we may feel is to think outside of ourselves. Generosity is a natural repellant against self-hatred. Believe beyond all doubt that you have something to offer! Volunteering is a great exercise in thinking outside yourself and often gives you the opportunity to connect with new people. Even little acts of generosity can have a significant impact. Generosity, as a principle, can lead to stronger self-esteem, which then leads to more social behavior.

If you are feeling isolated and may be experiencing symptoms of depression, here are some helpful resources: This is a free hotline available 24 hours a day to anyone in emotional distress or suicidal crisis. This is a great article about isolation and loneliness, very informative, thank you for posting it.

I am home alone and it is night. I have no where to go at the moment and no one to really be around. I actuely am popular and have great friends who love me but I still feel alone. I can be in a crowd with a pretty girl hanging on my every word and still feel alone, awkward and unwanted…. When I was younger I had a hundred one night stands when all I wanted was one love…but I ran away every time. Why did you have to mention pretty girl? This is part of the problem. Why do people have to be pretty. I like your thinking! I feel very much the same way, i keep hoping i will find people like you have discribed.

Hey John, I think we would both be surprised to hear just how many others feel this at one time or another. We sound like we may have some shared experience here. I wonder if these feelings are a call from the universe to dig deep and attune with our inner selves. I think much can be learnt if we do this. Mindfulness has really helped me. Happy seeking John from a similar soul.

John i have felted that way my whole life and i am 46 now and still feel that way. I think you should embrace the things you like to do. Or challenge yourself in new ways — learn something new, step outside your comfort zone. Those kind of things may feel awkward at first, but generally boosts your self image and confidence after a little while! What A meant was that by occupying ourselves fully and devoting all our energies to our hobbies, we would think and feel less about being alone. This will distract us from focusing on our Negative Inner Critic.

Instead we would be so engrossed that we would be in a state of flow that time will pass by so fast without us noticing it. Your feeling almost same like what I am having. I am the only child in the family and I was feeling lonely since from my childhood days, but it was disappeared when I was at my 25 to 34 but it is coming again in my life and feeling worst now.

Having with some friends or with hubby but still feeling lonely and incomplete. Fearing about future is making me worst like how could I stand this feeling at my elderly age later since I am feeling that lonely at my late 30 now. At least good to know that there are many people feeling same like me in this world. I was always a loner at school. Not that I never had any friend but I never wanted to be with them all the time.

However, at home I used to be a very naughty and fun-loving kid, popular with all of my 27 cousins. But that was until I got married 5 years back. And I feel really lonely and I crave to go back to my days before marriage. I am reading your article and I am smiling alone, because that is axactly how I feel. I also have tendency of thinking that some od my friends are discussing about me and they just pretend to like me by fake smiles.

It makes me uncinfortabke around people. We are the same. I feel even bad for the ppl that hang on at my side , deep on me I know they will go someday. Just let go of your fears! I know exactly what you mean. I have great friends they are like my brothers. But its a good cry.. I hope this makes sense: I actually had the same thing a couple of days ago, was at a bar with a friend and when I walked home I almost immediately started crying… felt displaced and alone, even though I was with people I like..

I am used to this feeling, it is very hard to make it over a bit. I feel so lonely. I am going thru so much. I have no car due to waiting for my bankrupsy to be discharged. I did everything right and there was no dispute. I need a car. Tomorrow is my birthday and no one remembered it and my kids seem hopeless most of the time. If i dont visit them, i dont see them for weeks and they live close by.

I wishi could just move and go somewhere i could meet new ppl and never look back at my lousy family. Me too, left the man i love because of mental, emotional abusive. Unloved and tremendios degregstion day in and out. With hid friends, family and strangerd who told him, he shoild not talk that way about your wife and avoided him. Since i did not have the courage and strenght to leave him, as every one told me over and over that i deserve better and can do better.

My children took me away and desided it is time they take care of their mother. And here i am being loved and care for. Missing him and dont want him at the same time after being with him for 18 yrs. Almost 2 yrs now. Am lonely, sad depress and yearning to be in the arms of a msn, which have yet to do. I am a beautifull pracefull new city. The part i live it is upscsle. No one around to interact with. Working on self help via internet information.

My story is like that bit i realy will fell alone even though i have friends but not Many but this things make me feel alone. I was just crying and now I feel a bit better? I always have troubles with crying because it makes me feel weak…. I understand you Michelle.

I came from Europe to US. Prior to coming to US I was struggling, maybe more than you do, but now even if I have everything that I ever wanted I still feel alone. I have a husband who loves me and a little girl but I still need friends, true friends with whom to do things.

So, like you I thought that having everything will make me happy but I am not, at least not always. We need this balance, financial security, family who loves us but also friends. I had the chance to experience a different life style in Europe. I miss people caring about you, getting together with cousins, neighbors coming to your house and looking in your fridge or borrowing things. But when I was there all I needed was to have financial security. I thought that this could make you happy but is not like that.

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We need all of it to be happy. I live for my little girl and I really hope that she will not be like me. I am hesitating to talk to strangers and if someone talks to me I stay away. Hang in there Michelle and try to find your hope somewhere to help you feel a little better. I feel better that I am not alone feeling like this even if this might sound cruel. I genuinely want happiness for all the people in the world. I moved 3 years ago from my hometown to the US and it was extremely difficult.

Making friends here is just not a natural thing to do. I tried so many times to get closer to people in the U. I had friends I trusted and loved, people who cared about me… my family issues are never ending because of my sexuality, and when I decided to come out hell let lose.. I know leaving was the best thing I ever did… but yet.. A lot of people tell me it has to come from within.. I honestly can tell you because I started relying on myself.. I thought why do I need people? I have an extreme trust issues… and I need to overcome it.. I just think I need friends and a life that has meaning ….

I love all of u becuz we are all experiencing the same feelings. The root cause of it all is fear and lack of love. I have a chronic illness that has required me to file SSD. I got approved and it has hit me like I have been sentenced to life in prison. I had a HUGE social network. The few times I have gone out in the past 3 yrs I feel like a fraud because you can not look at me and tell I have a chronic disease. So I hide and die a little more each day. I have a chronic illness too.

So, I get it, I really do. You are not alone. Whitney — OMG I am going through the same thing and have no family. I was always independent financially and the illness ruined me. From the outside I had it all, but on the inside I never did. OMG……I feel the same way. It is horrible……and I feel like i have painted myself into a corner.

What can we do. It feels like I am slowly dying…………………….. If you look up dr sebi electric food list on his site…Imaybe you can try to change your eating habits and get some suppoements that may help. I posted this for everybody with your issue to at least give it a try. I wish you and everyone else well. I feel like I need that one person I could talk to that relates to me. I feel the same and I blame myself or the cultural differences. This was very helpful i wont lie i was on the verge of suicided i thought things would never change and that i couldnt talk to anyone cause they didnt understand me but reading this has given me hope on life again.

It happened to me too but God gave me hope. I swear, hope saves you from anything, you just need to find it. Cj Major hugs to you hun. You hang onto that hope forever. It could even be a happy memory, even tho I know those are hard to think of at times like this. Hi Claire I totally know how you feel except from a stay at home dad with 3 children point of view. I wasnt the most social person even before I had kids. My wife and I dont really have any personal friends. Being a stay at home is tough even though I go to childrens playgroups its not like I get real close to other mums as being a guy theirs a line that is drawn.

My wife wants me to go back to work to get back my self confidence mainly and well extra income as well even though we wouldnt get any further ahead as children daycare costs etc. Eventually it will happen though, I try an remain optimistic. Have you thought of part time work? You really need some guy friends which is hard to do when you are stay at home dad. Even if there are extra costs associated with childcare, your mental health is worth more.

Or perhaps you can trade with a mother of the classmates where you look after her kids one day and she does the next. I tell him that I always have to fish the words out of him. I want so much a better life quality. I want her to be happy with me and not inherit this behavior from me. Where do you live? Men like to fix things, solution oriented. That would be unfair burden. You have luxury of not having to work or maybe you would like to work?

They have been life saver for me especially since I have worsening chronic illness. Like Dawson and all of us, baby steps. Next day, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again. There are no rules or failures. Hi Alina I thought that finding a mate would help me but your post has given me second thoughts? Wish you luck Mike. Like a lot of people here, I feel chronically isolated and lonely. I am 27, single, no friends and unemployed. Any conversation I have with strangers or family is brief and superficial. I posted a comment here, earlier, reaching out for help but my message was excluded.

Thank you for reaching out. When we feel isolated and alone, we often turn against ourselves, which makes it difficult to reach out and break the pattern of loneliness. However, if you are feeling alone, reaching out to any friends and family even by phone or online can help to break that pattern. I understand that this feels very difficult to do.

Even making new friends in online discussion forums can help you feel more connected to others, especially if they share similar interests. Some people find that they feel better being around other people, even just reading a book or going online in a coffee shop can feel less isolating than being at home alone. Lisa Firestone suggests that individuals who feel chronically isolated participate in volunteer work, because reaching out to others has many benefits for mental health, including helping people feel less isolated and alone.

Many people have found therapy to be incredibly helpful. If you are interested in pursuing therapy, here is good resource to help locate a therapist in your area. You do not have to be suicidal in order to call the Lifeline. Also, if you are feeling depressed, I encourage you to read this article on 8 Ways to Actively Fight Depression. I know it is very tough. I have a sister and even she is far away from me I talk to her on skype and she always encourages me. This is what I do, I want to find peace, and be strong for my little girl.

I know, I feel the same. Hey CJ I understand your struggle buddy. I am also an only child. I am actually also The older I get.. Rainer Maria Rilke once said that to confront our solitude is very difficult. For something to be so difficult is one more reason for us to do it. The benefits of doing something we would rather not or fear doing can be vast in self accomplishment.

Even if it is something as hard as spendin your time with yourself. I hope this message makes it to you in time brother. The stream of consciousness that runs throughout all of us is strong in me. Or if your life had no purpose. Yet I love you. Hi Gil, My son is an only child and I am worried sick. I have family but they can care less about me and my son. It sucks so bad. We are always alone. Someone please help me. But I can tell you this: But most importantly, he just wants to express his feelings by talking to someone- anyone- or writing down how he feels.

Please jst let him know how you feel about him and find him something that can make him forget about his bad thoughts. Hey, I feel exactly like u. Actually I also suffer from social anxiety and am on a mental health care plan. I feel stupid a lot… And i feel like people think i might be stupid but are just trying to be nice.

I feel super sad right now… I really want someone to talk to, and to love. Since January, my sleeping pattern has gone all wrong, I sleep late at night and end up waking up at 4pm. I have been feeling very lonely and its like my mind is not looking forward to the next day so I just sleep it away. With the few hours of day I have left I go on youtube to watch some videos. And since my mind is still somewhat active, I end up sleeping very late. And felling nervous of wasting the whole day because i sleep late. I know uncertainty is a reality for everyone, but it really shook me just now.

I constantly feel unworthy to be in this position and often feel like the outcast in social situations. I have mastered the art. I had an eating disorder bulimia in varying degrees of severity sometimes not for a couple months, but I would be taking a lot of drugs for 5 years, but that ended about 18months ago. Not having drugs and alcohol and turning to this old form of self-abuse is making me think I legitimately have a mental health issue that I need to talk to someone about. I wish I could access a counselling service here like back home!

In the meantime I hope this post acts as a cathartic practise and I know I need to start meditating and building up my self-worth third chakra or whatever you want to call it. Hopefully then I will feel more comfortable with myself and stop worrying all the time! Thanks for reading if you got this far!

I am sorry that you have been experiencing such strong feelings of isolation. It sounds like you have overcome a lot, like breaking your self-abuse with drugs and alcohol. It would be great to find some form of therapeutic support while you are on your exchange. This website can help you locate a therapist internationally: I wake up in the late afternoon till the early morning. Before I lived with my 2 brothers, my uncle, and grandpa. Especially when my brothers go out to have fun, and comes back for how many days without permission, they were never scolded.

As a girl, I told them where I was going, and it was 8 at night, they called my friends parents to ask them where I was. I was greatly humiliated at school. It was unfair for me. It felt like I had no freedom. Now that me and my 2 bros moved to where our parents are, I got closer to my brothers. My physical appearance change drastically… I gained 50 pounds, and gained pimples because of puberty. I have friends that are girls too, and I share some of my personal stuff to them.

I still feel lonely and depressed. Whenever my brothers or father invite a guy to our house, I feel isolated. When my brother goes out to drink with guys friends, he would invite my other brother, but of course since I was a girl, and the youngest… I was never invited. I started cutting myself out of boredom. It helps me suppress my urge to want something, and cry because of some food I want to eat that I will never get for example. I talk to myself, laugh by myself, I let out my emotions silently that nobody will ever notice.

Then, as it continued, I hear my self thinking about bad stuff. Thinking about doing something bad to my good friends, and to strangers or characters I just made up in my mind. When my oldest brother saw the cuts, he looked at me like I was some fuckin devil. I tried my best to hide it, and when I saw how he looked at me. I was deeply sad and depressed.

I always ask God… especially, when we had bible study, I was still the only girl at first.. I want to cut myself right now, but there are visitors… so maybe later. We read your comment and know it takes courage to reach out when you are in distress. Often when we feel isolated, we turn against ourselves and find it difficult to reach out for help. However, we want you to know that help is available and there is hope.

PsychAlive is not a counseling site, but we can offer resources where you can get assistance 24 hours per day. If you are in the U. It is especially important to reach out when you are feeling isolated and have the desire to harm yourself. We hope that you remain safe and continue to reach out.

Please do not do anything to hurt yourself. If you feel your Critical Inner Voice has taken you over, you may benefit from seeking professional help. You can find a therapist at http: Hi Aaron, what do you meaning your critical inner voice has taken over and WON?? This helped a lot. It is amazing to see how many people face this loneliness syndrome.

I for example have felt very lonely for years despite having a family and kids. But I never wanted them to solve my problems. I am separated now living in another state and when I go out, I look good, exercise, eat right, have a job, am 50 now and it seems like I am out of touch with everyone else. I find it hard to meet people that have things in common with me now. Reaching to younger people and especially the opposite sex is a big waste of time and effort because I think they now see me as old even though I have no grey hair or look older than my age.

In fact I look younger and energetic. I see everyone with friends, girlfriends, wives, all hanging out and I am the only person out there with nobody to hang out with despite several meetup tries. I thought that God just made me different than everybody else and not meant to have friends or company after work or on weekends. I spend a lot of time alone and live alone. Part of me thinks that maybe evil surrounds us to make us feel terrible and that we have to break this thinking pattern and start believing that God can work miracles in our lives and changes these feelings of self-destruction.

I am going to work out more and build my body stronger and work on my mind so it is stronger. Joining a church might help too. I think that all evil feelings must come from evil and all good feelings must come from God. So why waste my life away feeling sorry for myself? Worst comes to worst, I will just become my own very best friend.

Some very old people seem to have a handle on this and feel happy even at their old age so why should I be in self-pity mode all the time? Today I will change for the better and never look back. Best of luck to all of us lonely people who feel weird among other people.

We are not alone. Good for you and I wish you the best going forward. We can ever completely escape the negative or isolated thoughts that occasionally rush up on us that we are lonely. Last summer I had two butterflies who apparently had taken up residence in my backyard somewhere. I would see them almost daily running around the couple of hundred square feet. Best of luck to you. Please check in and share how you are doing.

I know I am allowing little things and annoying people get to me, but maybe it is a good thing. I have such pent-up emotion, I need to release it before I explode. So I am trying to look at it as positive. On the other hand, I may only be fooling myself. I sure hope not! This article is utter crap. The natural bonding is just not there. Did the author stop to consider the poor advice contained in this article?

The words may work for people who like to pretend they are lonely, but you have NEVER experienced real loneliness unless you have solipsism. This article should come with a warning. Are you an expert or a Doctor? Stupid comments like that are the reason why these problems go unresolved. How dare you judge anyone elses feelings.. Learn to have an open mind and heart and know that no one is right or wrong in there experiences. Andy, I think you are a tad harsh. I know a little bit about Asperger but not enough to totally understand the isolation you must be feeling. There is loneliness that is the result of being isolated from other, and there is loneliness which is the result of being separate from the self.

This second state is irreparable and cannot be undone by social contact. I posit that this second state is far worse than the former. I am so glad to see this topic of discussion I have a critical inner voice not often representative of what is happening in reality, though sometimes these thoughts happen when a situation happens where it triggers me to question my self worth. First off I really want a girlfriend and too get laid more often.

I also am Catholic and go to church am involved at my church but the parishioners are older and I have not met anyone. I have had sex in midlife and had a girlfriend a few yrs ago. I used to be painfully shy with women and im trying to overcome that by making eye contact and at places like the gym or coffee hour after mass making conversation, but I do get nervous when an attractive woman is around me as negative thought after negative thought fires up, that she thinks im ugly, desperate, gay , a rapist, stalker and from an outsiders view this would seem ridiculous and unreasonable.

But inside my own head I start to get anxiety and these thoughts go. I also have a lot of jealousy issues. Even though I know I could not commit such a horrible sin as my Faith guides me not too and I would not put that sadness on my parents who love me and friends and people at church. I am looking for a younger congregation. I pray that my life gets better but as of late I have felt like my life has become relentless, fulfilling, boring and when I nightingale steps to change it does not work, I feel like all my friends are happier then I am, my cousins are all married and happy and ill never have that and feel like my family dissent take me seriously.

I know my parents love me and they know about the depression , but I hide it as much as I can, I am seeing a therapist but I only see him once a month. I am so glad to see I am not alone in having these unwanted feelings. I have many issues like all of you in particular the whole being single thing bothers me, gives me anxiety and horrible thoughts.

I am 26 years old and currently live at home with my parents and I am single. I am tall, brown haired, clean shaven and in fairly good shape , and I am a vegetarian. Some people have told me I should try out for modeling. Being single bothers me and I really want a girlfriend and I want to get laid more. I often feel lonely when I see happy couples who look happy, or happy couples making out and the voices start going off in my head about how i am considered fat, unattractive and how ill be single and alone my whole life. I have had sex in the past and had a girlfriend, but I am shy and the weird thing is people on the outside would consider me an extrovert and yet on the inside I feel the opposite.

I am Catholic and go to church and put faith in GOD and pray my life gets better. I am still living with my parents and ashamed of it.