The Red Glass: From Abuse-Hell to Living-Well

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She later told police she recognised both Connell's hand and the watch on his wrist. When Georgia did finally tell her mum about the alleged abuse, Connell had gone to stay at his mother's address.

Kent girl 'killed herself after reporting stepfather for sexual abuse'

The jury heard the teen was crying and saying her mother would not like what she was going to say. She said ''I'm sorry I didn't want to tell you. He has been doing stuff. She said she needed to talk to him about something and that she had been told some stuff had been going on that shouldn't,' said Mr Connolly.


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Connell denies five offences of sexual activity with a child in relation to Georgia. Before the case got underway, the judge, Recorder Peter Guest, told the jury of nine women and three men that Georgia had killed herself and therefore would not be cross-examined by Connell's legal team. You must keep an open mind, listen to the evidence, speeches and summing up before reaching any conclusions. Tuesday, Sep 18th 5-Day Forecast.

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People who emotionally abuse no more do it by accident than the physical abuser is abusive by accident. In fact, I would propose that the emotional abuser is more deliberate, and more calculating than a physical abuser could ever be. Gaslighting someone, depriving them of sleep, making them choose me or friends, restricting their access to money, their movements are not things that happen by accident.

The drive to control is expressed very deliberately, the words said by emotional abusers are the same across victim after victim, the techniques the same, this is no accident. This is because they work and they are chosen by their effectiveness. By saying emotional abuse is accidental you let the abuser off the hook, you are practically making them a victim, and if only they got the right help they would be ok.

No, they wouldn't be ok, they know what they are doing and they know what to say to hide. It means that many people who emotionally abuse would not call what they are doing emotional abuse, nor would they consider what they are doing to be wrong. Instead they feel that they should do what they are doing, that it will accomplish their desired goals.

The abuser feels a need, a deep need, to exert power to control largely to avoid feeling vulnerable, emotional, or worthless. The answer is because the victim made me do it. The abuser sees the victim as needing punishment or manipulation because the victim did not heed the warning or take care to put the abuser's needs first. The abuser acts like a baby screaming, a toddler hitting, a child misbehaving for attention. All actions to try to get needs met, but in an adult are abusive. This is how the abuser may not know what they are doing.

Great article that has helped me better understand that I am not crazy When you want a relationship to work, but are trapped by this unmanageable dynamic Is there a fix? What are best options help mend the relationship?


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  4. Differentiate between what is emotionally abusive, and what isn't.;

Your first example of emotional abuse is a common reaction to dishonesty in the form of deciding their partner doesn't need to know ie. But, no, tell women they're abusive for reacting to their partner's abusive bullshit. I'm not sure at all what your comment means. But there is nowhere in this article where it says that creating boundaries is wrong. However, it is possible to respond to emotional abuse with emotional abuse. I can't tell if I'm unintentionally emotionally abusive or emotionally abused?

If I am abusive this is just another reason to stay far far away from anyone. It sounds to me like you might need some professional help with this one. Seek out a local therapist and begin right away honestly deal with this issue. I ended a relationship with a man who courted me over six months to the point of saying he loved me, and starting to plan a future together. When I told him I loved him a few days later, he began playing games like openly ignoring me, twisting my words, downplaying expectations, erasing memories and fack future planning, and flirting with and sending other women gifts.

I got to the point I was filled with anxiety and insecurity, and asked him three or four how he felt about me, because I had no idea anymore. He responded the first time by saying, he didn't know. He'd have to see how I behaved. The last two or three times, he gave me the silent treatment after calling me psycho. I was not nagging him.

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I never violated his boundaries, never checked up on him, He was very open about the other woman yet when I tried to discuss behaviors that made me feel insecure, he refused to communicate, leaving me more insecure. And he would always top if off by saying I my concerns were "bullshit" and I was "psycho. I think the wording of that paragraph pushes buttons, because the experience of someone who is being emotionally abused leaves a high degree of insecurity about their partner, about their grasp on reality. If I did not stop and read the rest of the paragraph over and over, I would feel you were telling me I was emotionally abusing him for attempting to clarify his feelings for me when his actions and inactions towards me made me feel insecure.

I think if you had left out the portion about feeling insecure and just described the behaviors, you would not be getting the negative feedback. Creating insecurity is a goal of someone who wants to control their partner. And, in minor cases, the abuser might not be aware they are abusing. In my situation, he knew what he was doing. I later learned it was a pattern with him.

I'm going through this now. My husband has about 20 phrases in his back pocket that he uses to emotionally manipulate and control me; I've started documenting everything. I really hope that things can and do change but I don't think that they will. I quoted your article to him and his response? I do respond to his constant berating by telling him that I can no longer continue having a conversation with him as long as he's going to drink and continue to be disrespectful. That I can't do it and he must respect my limitations, which results in him criticizing me for hours while I sit there silently.

He's always the victim because, in his mind, he's always trying to fix our relationship and make sure that we love each other and show it although our ideas of "love" must be radically different. Honestly, I don't know what else to do at this point besides seek individual therapy and put my kids into therapy too. Yes, Jolene, I would definitely recommend therapy for you and your children.

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I wish you well. Hi Jolene, Thank you for sharing your story. I hope things improve. I was in an abusive marriage for 16 years before I left for good after 3 attempts. I moved out 18 years ago and have been living a life that I want. Looking back, I am lucky to be alive. He said he would have killed me if he had a gun.

Emotion abuse cause great damage to a person's perception to the world and your self-esteem. Make sure you have a safety plan in case things go wrong. Thank you for a balanced and informative article. You describe some of my experiences during the past forty years of marriage! Thanks also to Cleo for her comments "because the experience of someone who is being emotionally abused leaves a high degree of insecurity about their partner, about their grasp on reality".

For decades, I felt insecure about my partner. In addition, his gas lighting was highly successful to the extent that I was portrayed as being 'flaky' to my two intelligent children, despite having worked professionally for nearly thirty years. I have made excuses for this man and tried to 'manage' the situation, but it has now blown up because I had the temerity to actually finally identify I was being emotionally abused.

I won't describe recent events - I shall write a book about it instead - but anyone who feels they may be being verbally and emotionally abused should read about setting boundaries for oneself, gas lighting and controlling behaviour. I agree that is a helpful article but also that the first example is somewhat triggering. You switch genders between the two examples with more description in the first example that has a women as the abuser.

In real life domestic violence is more typically by a man against a woman and yet she often has difficulty sharing her story unemotionally enough in order to be trusted by authority figures. The literature suggests leaving as soon as possible if you feel in danger and don't try to reason with the person you fear as they may react badly or even lethally. I tend to test advice, rather than trust it immediately, but I found that the advice to leave discreetly and rapidly if you feel in danger is very good advice. So it is emotional abuse when Child Protective Services keeps a child from seeing any family member after removal?

The theory that if a parent is emotionally abusive than the whole family including grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins etc is incorrect? You mention in the article that yelling is not emotional abusive - what about blowing up and yelling over small things? My husband freaks out and yells at me over so many little things: If he wants something else YouTube videos, not music; going straight home; shopping instead of going for a walk; going out to eat he starts yelling at me like really really angry.

He goes from 0 to 10 so fast.

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This seems unnatural, but I don't know if it's emotionally abusive. He also says argumentative things out of the blue in front of my friends, like he wants to pick a fight in pubic, like he wants to put me down in front of my friends. I know that being married requires a certain amount of longsuffering. I'm not sure if I'm too opinionated and that's why these conflicts happen. I feel like I try to compromise a lot so he doesn't feel like we're always doing what I want. But now it seems we never do anything that I want to do. I used to be a serious hiker and now if I want to go hiking if we are on a trip he gets really angry because he doesn't like hiking and I'm "ignoring him.

Other times, he will try to be really nice to me - but I feel like I never know when he's going to flip. It's like he's nice to me as long as I don't do or say something he doesn't like. I know relationships are hard work, but this feels exhausting most of the time. To clarify - he doesn't call me names or say I'm stupid, he just yells and yells and yells until I give up, or I feel like I'm cracking up and I freak out and yell back at him, or I physically leave the space - either leave the room or the apartment.

I look around our apartment and I feel like I've worked so hard to build a home, but what we really have is a fight club in a nice apartment. This sounds like a serious issue that it might be best to speak to a therapist about. Emotional abuse includes much that is abusive to the emotions. Please seek a local therapist to discuss these issues with. Thank you for this article. I've reacted poorly and even on occasion abusively to the more or less constant drumbeat of emotional abuse over the years, but I've forced myself to acknowledge my faults and seek help - two steps that I finally concluded that my partner would never take.

I simply could not see myself staying in a relationship with everpresent gaslighting to make me think that all of our problems were strictly my fault. I fear for the children, however. My ex wife, as all cunning abusers seem to be able to do, has alienated me from our mutual friends, a large swath of family, and a good portion of society and will make protecting my children an uphill and expensive battle.

I thank God, however, for there being glimmers of understanding including this article that help shed light on the very complex nature of relationships, and bucking the intellectually lazy trend that grips so many and dictates that in all situations men are at fault and that truly defensive reactions are the only "real" transgressions in relationships.

The person is seeking to use volume to control and coerce when speaking gently has failed. I think the article needs a rethink. In a marriage partnership control should be shared equitably. Notice, I didn't say equally - many people don't mind and even desire some imbalance in control as it's often inevitable that there is some imbalance in responsibility that the partners are agreeable with. Control must be equitable, however. In many cases where someone is said to be attempting to "gain" control in a relationship, especially in ways, like you say, with shouting, they are actually trying to "gain back" the equitable share of control they feel they've lost.

When speaking gently has failed, you've been stripped of your equitable share of control - that all important need to be heard and understood in a relationship, that's a way that each partner should expect the other to have control in that they have your ear in conveying ideas and feelings. Shouting in that regard becomes defensive.

I grew up in a cult. It was heaven -- and hell.

OK but if gentle speaking has failed what chances have you got of regaining a reasonable amount of control and a good relationship if you start shouting? There are other options: Come back to it another time, temporary time out, realise it is not so very important - we will always disagree over some things, the relationship cannot be all of us. I need to shout less! I struggled not to cry. Staring at my crispy golden brown crab wontons. The rice looked like larva. I tried to visualize everything around me as another object or tried to find the beauty in details. Anything to distract myself from the feelings that were erupting like Pele.

I too wanted to explode in rage and growth. It has been boiling inside me for some time. My gut points to the fortune cookies and low and behold they speak loudly to my current dismay. My eyes are shut as through the darkness of he night I am being drifted. Whatever is below me is none of my business. I hold onto the memories of my family. Their love is the light I cling to as I float away. They are my safety. Why was I born with the uncomfortable complex lifecycle of a lobster and not of a doting whale shark peacefully passing through memorized waters?

Perhaps more of poisonous sea snake or puffed fish. My cunning manipulative captor. I despise his fake front in public. I have a plan no one understands. I used to always look down on women who were abused. You are first made to believe they are the kindest greatest protective people on earth. You feel so blessed to be theirs.

And then slowly your life starts being rationed. The mask slowly slips off under sweat and tears. The abuse starts in words like papercuts. Sometimes your tears are lube. They want to be your god and controller. But they beg for you back and it gets worse. Your self worth is being chipped at. They enjoy the big tips and free drink and hang out with him. Not even knowing they were just hours earlier partying with him. Your life has quickly become the target for a scum bully who jabs your stomach, calls your hurtful names, and bad mouths you to all your other coworkers.

You might as well be dead. Everything will be different. No one likes us anymore on Maui.


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I become engaged and enraged by their doubts. Our future is bright. I am responsible for my misery. Thousands of miles away from everyone who loves me and cares about me. Slowly the binge drinking he promised would cease comes back into play. I am to blame every time. Every time a bottle cracks open my gut is tense. The air becomes toxic. I try not to breath too loud. All of the sudden Hannibal lector is out to eat away your soul and happiness. Only terrible things happen when bottles clink into the garbage can.

Anything to take the heat off his smoking gun. The cycle of abuse repeats itself. The only thing he can fake to make me stay. I want to take care of you. I was working for his sister, but things got very unpredictable and some what shady. The dynamics of that whole situation should be a story of its own.

Eventually I get to close to them. I am alone again and totally dependent. No take it I want you to be happy. I take the bait and get reeled back Into the grip of worthlessness. At first when getting to know me I lie about how great my life is, but really my soul is screaming for help. When he goes to jail after getting wasted hitting a car and leaving me to blow all of his money at the casino again for the 4th time I am so broken. I research more and identify that I am living every single red flag of abuse.

I quit living the lie. I have the strength, encouragement, and love of everyone I work with. Many of the women have been in the same situation and are eager to be there for me. Instead of taking big tips and paid bar tabs they threaten to call the cops on him. I feel so grateful. This is the complete opposite situation I encountered back home. These amazing people give me so much hope. I am learning very difficult lessons.

Sundays at church reassure me. Throughout the six months I pray endlessly for the strength and guidance. Surprisingly staying stronger than I would abefore I was saved. This is happening for a reason and I will make it through this. Every day I wake up with sadness and anxiety because I know I am leaving. Most days through God, self love, my dogs, exercise, long talks with loved ones, hard work, and optimistic YouTube videos I am strong and mask my feelings. Some days I want to explode, talk back, get back at him.

Those options often lead to harsh consequences like him talking to past lovers. I tell myself you can do this.

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One day at a time. One goal at a time. Thousands of miles away from his grasp and back into the hands of my family and friends. I put myself in this situation. I want to be the victor. So I must be my own hero and I will survive. Happiness and gratitude in any way is what I strive for.

I can only arrive at my destination ready to hit the ground running by gaining the vibrations and momentum I need to rebuild my foundation. I always find it distasteful and unsettling when I read articles about emotional abuse that identify withholding affection or remaining silent, aka: When I am yelled at, I don't feel like hugging it out or kissing good night.