e-book Stop Sabotaging Yourself: Get a Better Career, Better Relationships, and Better Health

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Table of contents

• 5 Self-Sabotaging Behaviors That Keep You Stuck In Career Pain
• Ask Polly: ‘How Do I Stop Sabotaging My New Relationship?’
• What is self-sabotage?

Tiny changes can help you feel in control. For example, instead of having a container for pens and scissors in only one room of the house, I have these in three different rooms. Strategies like these save time and, more importantly, help free you up mentally. A paradox perfectionists face in trying to reduce self-sabotage is their tendency to have inflexible standards and be dismissive of incremental gains.

Over time, even tiny improvements add up significantly. For example, a recovering alcoholic might decide to call an old drinking buddy, just to say hello or for a game of basketball, and soon finds that this minor decision takes them down the slippery slope of resuming alcohol abuse. You can use this same concept to understand much less destructive, but still sabotaging, behaviors. A micro decision for me is whether I leave a document open on my computer when I plan to go back and work on it after taking a break. It can be very satisfying to understand your own psychology and realize your personal patterns.

Making changes in your life requires time and energy. Another way to free up your cognitive and emotional reserves is to practice acceptance. Ask yourself: What aspects of reality can I accept instead of ruminating on them or nagging others about them?

This could be accepting certain traits of your romantic partner, occasional human error, changes at work, or something as simple as your kid liking a food one day and rejecting it the next. Following these tips and others, you can free yourself to explore new opportunities, work more efficiently, and improve your relationships. Alice Boyes, Ph.

Her research has been published by the American Psychological Association. Become a subscribing member today. Scroll To Top Do you ever find yourself rushing so much that you end up forgetting your cell phone charger? About the Author. Alice Boyes Alice Boyes, Ph.

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They might leave her out. She might wind up alone. Why do I bring this up? Because I see this ALL the time. This, my friends, is classic self-sabotage.

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There are two types of self-sabotage that can creep into our best efforts like tar and clog it all up. Better the devil we know, right? You can check out a blog post about that right here. This type of sabotage gets right to the root of our most primal instincts to fit in, to be validated and to seek love, lest we be left alone to fend for ourselves, our emotional and physical survival then feeling threatened even when we are perfectly safe.

Ask Polly: ‘How Do I Stop Sabotaging My New Relationship?’

I hear of this quite often when clients start to succeed and get what they want. They may start getting comments from family or friends that threaten or diminish the stand they have made for their health and happiness. They may fear losing that person as they change. So, they may invalidate the person succeeding to lessen that feeling of discomfort or failure, and to cover up their own avoidance of taking responsibility in their lives.

Without the courage to risk and fail, they may even hope their friend fails. Bring on the sabotage! Security, safety, belonging and acceptance have now been threatened whether it was intended or not. Bring on the booze!

Screw the gym! They may start slacking off at work and sleeping in. They are willing to trade in their vision and their own happiness to ensure safety in their relationships.



There is a obviously a problem here because they wind up making themselves smaller and breaking their word to themselves. And the more they do it, the easier it becomes.

What is self-sabotage?

Then, they experience that stuck feeling over and over again and have trouble breaking free from the vicious circle. Yes, it does prey on your survival instinct but once there is awareness, you can create a new possibility for how you interact with it. You can start to see that the voices in our heads are not indeed YOU but part of a constantly running commentary designed to fix perceived problems and avoid emotional risk. You do not need to let them own you, but rather simply acknowledge them for what they are a coping mechanism to keep you feeling safe.

The voices may yell and scream like children do. They tend to throw the tantrum as the last resort. When I became a health coach and started taking more responsibility for myself and my life, a lot of my female relationships DID start to change as a lot of my relationships were based on commiserating about my acting.

Some friendships actually became 10x stronger and some fell away.