Manual All the Nice Girls - Husband in Name Only - Wifely Control: Four Works of Female Domination

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Table of contents

The husband: She accuses me of doing some kind of disappearing act, and I'm never sure what she means. I'm sitting right there. The wife: He can be sitting in the same room, but he doesn't know what's going on around him.


  • Wives of the Organization.
  • Swinging in the Rain.
  • JENNY YESTERDAY AND FOREVER.
  • Triceratops - The Three-Horned Dinosaur.

There's a wall around him that you can't get past. The whole place can be up in arms, I can be like a screaming banshee, and he won't even pick his head up out of the magazine he's reading. Or sometimes it'll finally get to him, so he looks up and says in that quiet voice of his. The husband: I suppose I do have this ability to shut things out. But what's wrong with that? Why do I have to be involved all the time? Maybe all our lives would be easier if she could do a little more of it.

The wife: I try sometimes, I really try to do what he does, but it's absolutely impossible to pull it off. It's like there's a radar inside me that always knows what's going on around me all the time, and you can't just switch it off. It's the same thing in the office; I think it's why I'm good at my job, because I know what's going on with people; it's like I keep watch or something. Rubin, , pp. Almost all the puzzles that motivate this talk can be found in this exchange, and it is easy to imagine a similar dialogue between myself and the men I work with.

They shut out a large number of things that are critical to my organizational reality. The ability not to be involved seems to be a key part of their success, while my own more involved way of acting seems to be part of my success. It is as if there is radar inside me that is always keeping watch and I wonder if things would be easier if I could do a little more tuning out. It is almost certainly true that if my male colleges knew what I was talking about today, they would simply look up and say, without a great deal of interest, "Hey, what's the matter?

Radar is not the only problem, however. Many men and women are still uncomfortable with women in the workplace — deeply so — even though the evidence of this discomfort is less frequently displayed than it was in the past. I was forcefully reminded of the raw energies that characterize many work environments on one of my rare consulting assignments. The group I was seeing was gathering in the conference room. A woman came into the room and began to speak animatedly about several pressing problems. Though I had been briefed about those attending the meeting, her name was not on the list, and the head of the unit turned to me in introduction, saying "This is Ellen.

The main thing you need to know about her is that she is not married and she is not currently dating anyone. Instantly she was deprofessionalized — inappropriately defined in social and sexual terms. What did I do? I was so stunned the conversation moved on with little disruption! The point is that many men still think primarily in terms of a patriarchic relationship with women.

Chapter 4: The Muslim Women and Her Husband

They know women as mothers, sisters, wives, lovers, or casual sexual partners. An enormous amount of organization life where genders mix is colored by this experience. Not only does evoking such relationships transform the relatively unfamiliar into the familiar, it has the comfort of well defined and accepted male dominance.

At its worst the result is directly or indirectly sexual, as in this example; at its more bearable it is chivalrous.

There are occasional islands of task activity, periods of time in which the gender of participants is all but forgotten, but no one really forgets the gender of those they work with, and most men seem to deal with it best by reinforcing hierarchical structures in the work place with even more deeply entrenched dominance structures from outside the workplace. It is important to note that women, too, can be uncomfortable in the workplace. Most of us do not inherit ways of defining ourselves that take into account deep ambition, the possession of power, and our own talent.

If we are even a little unsure of where we are going, or how to get there, we are less likely to complain if the boss makes a completely irrelevant reference to a social life that is none of his business. More discouraging, too many of us seem to work proactively to ensure a place for ourselves by becoming indispensable in the ways we know best. We make things operate more smoothly.

Geoffrey Chaucer

We attend to detail. We even begin feeding people — making arrangements for coffee, inviting people to lunch. In brief, professional women in organizations often make themselves and others more comfortable by filling the social roles our culture has established — mother, sister, wife, lover — and the most attractive of this set, especially for the professional woman, appears to be the role of the wife.

Actually, "sister" would be more appealing to me in a forced choice situation. But the role is less deeply entrenched, more varied. It does not reach as many people, or fit their needs as completely. I increasingly feel that discomfort in the work place is extraordinarily powerful and that professional women have done little to overcome it. Publicly we are confident. Even privately our thoughts are often positive, but at least subconsciously a small part of us seems to believe we can assure a future for ourselves in an unfamiliar place by doing what many of our mothers did to assure a place for themselves.

The men we work with react to their own discomfort, perhaps subconsciously, by similarly evoking familiar roles. There are two other forces that make it even more likely that, comfortable or not, professional women will be cast in wifely roles. First, important changes in the economic environment are increasing the need for wifely skills.

As more companies become international in scope, communication and coordination become more important and more difficult among people with diverse backgrounds. We are linking activities of buyers and suppliers in many new ways; we are seeking more joint venture partners. These cooperative strategies also make getting along with others a wifely skill important. Similarly, many organizations are responding to increasing global competition and other economic pressures by downsizing and becoming less hierarchical, which pushes new detail work into the professional ranks.

These trends merely hint at an enormous and growing need for people with wifely skills in the middle and at the top of organizations — skills women employees tend to have. John Naisbitt argues in his popular book Megatrends that women in the next century will gain because they can provide what organizations now need in greater abundance.

Sally Helgesen makes the same argument in her new book The Female Advantage. Judy Rosener has just suggested in the Harvard Business Review that women may begin in "positions consistent with the roles they played at home," but they can turn lack of authority and control into a transorganizational leadership style that will allow them to become especially successful managers. The unanswered question is whether we can use our skills in ways that will be visible to and rewarded by the organization.

We are acting and being asked to act in ways that in private life have long been expected, rarely thanked, and even less often tangibly rewarded. Why should we expect this longstanding pattern to change in a public setting? I am circling back to the thought that we are facing the worst of the traditional wife's dilemma.

All the Single Ladies

Organizations want and need hot meals on time all right, but I still think they do not want to know how it is done, rarely say thank you, and even less often reward services rendered. We are particularly at risk because in the face of their great need organizations establish and unthinkingly replicate routines. Once we have taken notes in a meeting, it is very likely that we will be asked to do so again. Once we have arranged a going away lunch successfully, eyes will turn our way when another departure is announced.

Account Options

Once we have marshaled a complicated data base, we will be expected to maintain it. After two or three such events, wifely contributions become part of the organization's established way of getting things done and are given little additional attention. The women's movement may have sensitized us and our male colleagues to avoid the note taking trap — but in fact a very large number of maintenance and support activities are needed by organizations, at all levels of the hierarchy, including the professional ranks we congratulate ourselves for having achieved.

For every note taking assignment we avoid, it seems many other professionally detrimental assignments are now expected. These maintenance level inequalities may seem trivial, but relatively small differences in initial behavior can lead to major differences in work allocation 5. Over time this advantage is likely to widen. He knows she is better at certain things, and he is pressed by his own responsibilities, so he lets her take the lead a little more often.

Meanwhile the boss is likely to recognize the differences in their abilities and appoint her just a little more than average to the next task that requires relational skills, a task that is only a little more likely than average to be something like a difficult personnel review. Then, because the boss is genuinely concerned about balancing the work load, he will appoint his male employee to other short term work, say working out details on a new supplier contract.

The result is that the male employee has important information of ongoing importance to the organization, while her contribution to a comfortable work environment is likely to be forgotten over time. But if she is aware of the dynamic and tries to resist it, she is not likely to be taken seriously. I do not denigrate those who choose to work primarily within the home. But I believe that the wifely role within the organization has all of the disadvantages so frequently catalogued for domestic life, and virtually none of the advantages.

There is an enormous amount of repetitive drudgery at home, but there is also autonomy, some ability to vary the day to day flow of activity, and a sense of competence in personally juggling the many demands on ones time. There is the enormous pleasure of meaningful relationships with children, and the satisfaction of creating an environment that supports people we love. At home in hope, if not in practice , there is reciprocity for domestic services. There is far less autonomy in structuring organization work and I personally find that the novelty and competence to be gained from "mediating, sorting, mending, and soothing," in Lillian Rubin's words, pales when compared to the rewards of other professional tasks.

Respect and admiration may help justify these services, but they are far less compelling than love. The repetitive drudgery of housework, however, is at least as great in the organization as at home and we have inherited the tacit expectation of service with almost none of the reciprocity.

Marriage and Sexuality in Pearl Abraham’s The Romance Reader and Hush by Judy Brown

There certainly does not seem to be anything in becoming the wife of the organization that compares to the pleasure of snuggling babies or smelling herbs cut in the garden. On balance, I think we should resist, should help each other resist, the many forces pulling us to take on wifely tasks. The key forces I have identified as subverting professional women into spending time and energy as organization wives are:.