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And I really like what the author of this article writes, especially about looking at whether we have allowed the narcissist's critical voice to be in our own heads; and I also really like what was written about detaching from caring about the disapproval of a narcissist. For me personally, this really hits the spot. I think I have been conditioned within my family to very much 'keep the peace' in order to be allowed any peace. Like getting in touch with one's suppressed masculine assertive side.

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That is in fact shamed by narcissistic family in the gentler family member. A lot of this stuff is unconscious. And for me, doing programs that work on Codependency are really great -I use Darlene Lancer my self and find her books very helpful. But I also utilise more Emotion-based types of therapy, that for me seem to be vital.

That we have detached from ourselves!!

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Well I have been finding Focusing based therapies like the NARP program to be really very good for re-introducing my self to my own feelings about life -and, with this, training my self to trust in MY OWN perceptions instead of the BS I was taught, whereby I have been taught by narcissist-codependent types in my family that my feelings are just WRONG. To learn how to let oneself feel emotions, and yet not be taken over by them. And to act from the whole of what one feels and senses, can then enable us to act out of the WHOLE of a situation, instead of cutting parts of ourselves off in order to survive being emotionally overloaded, whether by abusive behavior or just our own high sensitivity.

One more problem is that in my experience it doesnt matter that you are merely pretending to get along..

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I almost did it myself and ruined my life trying to pretend. If you are not careful you will lose yourself and believe what you pretend. Just wanted to say thank you for this concise and clear portrait of the inner workings of a narcissist. Thank you, Dr Seltzer.

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Like all your articles, this one is well written, clearly expressed, cuts to the heart of the issue, and provides valuable insight and advice. I have learned much reading your work. You make a difference. I put my home up for rent, got a lot of offers, and I was going to lease to a very nice couple, but my Realtor said, "Lets see if Ms Narc will offer more. She had to win and she offered a lot over what I was asking and paid for several months in advance. But as soon as she moved in, she was resentful that she was not the first chosen and that she paid more than what I was asking, and it was all my fault that she paid too much for it.

She insulted me and the property. The day she moved in, she texted me 17 times to tell me she was too hot and that I should have central air installed in my home. I told her that I was sorry she was uncomfortable, and that I would gladly return all her money and she could find another place.

She refused to leave and just continued to complain. My strategy has been to ignore her unless she has a legitimate concern about something that needs fixing.

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I call the handyman and he fixes what needs fixing immediately, but I do not answer any questions that might lead to argument- I ignore them. Questions like, "What are you going to do with the house when my lease is up? She has not paid rent this month and says she's leaving by the end of the month. She threatened to squat in my house forever if I didn't give her the deposit back at the time of her pre move-out inspection and it took quite a bit of emailing, we can not talk to each other at all before she came to understand what a security deposit is for and to finally believe that I would give it back to her AFTER she is out.

She told me it is all my fault that she is unhappy and has to leave the state. If she's not gone in four days, I'll have to evict her. I think one thing I've learned is that although it frustrated her when I didn't respond and she would send a few more text messages or emails asking why I was ignoring her and hurl insults, she'd eventually give up.

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Sounds like the "Queen Bee" syndrome. And the narcissistic type. I sympathize, because I know how grating this sort of behavior is. You can do everything possible to get the place ready, and she nitpicks it to death, and gets into and stays in your head for the duration. And this person sounds as tho' she might be BPD i. Lee Seltzer. Is Good Idea, to get away of getting self harm psychologically. Right now in life.

I have a sibling with a inflated ego telling me that I have to accept her for the person she is. She knows no boundaries when it comes to entitlements or behaviour. If only you could make your sister understand that her behavior doesn't reflect who she is. She got conditioned by the family to ACT the way she does, and that hardly reflects her essence. But without a willingness to seek treatment for how her behavior affects her relationships, there's not very much to hope for. Thank you Dr. Seltzer for your insight into who a narcissist is on the inside. This article has changed my understanding of my dad, and it will change my life in "dealing" with him from now on.

I will look on him with empathy instead of anger. I will tell you briefly, my dad's "malignant" narcissism which everyone knew "something was wrong" but didn't know exactly what has wreaked havoc on everyone around him, his sister, his ex-wife my mother , my brother, me, and even his own mother; not to mention every job situation bosses and co-workers and friendships throughout his whole life. I am so grateful for the level of understanding you have brought to me, it has been the clarity that was so lacking during the extremely difficult divorce situation I lived through when I was a pre-teen, which has had continuing repercussions into my adult life.

I am now Just hearing from someone who has your experience in counseling people, describe the characteristics of a narcissist 6 Characteristics It has been a painful struggle, that for me continues, because I still continue a relationship with my dad. Your article has literally been the answer to a prayer. I was just recently in tears asking God for help because even though I can be so hurt by my dad, I still love him, but he is so rude and inconsiderate at times, but I love him, but so taxing to talk to I just never felt it right to break off our relationship completely.

Although at times you feel like a prisoner.

After I read your articles and let it sink in a verse came to mind, John "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" God bless you. Sorry, but while I find this post's analysis intriguiing and thought-provoking, I cannot agree with its subsequent advice. While I entirely sympathise with the IMMEDIATE, short term benefits of the "Say nice things, even if you don't really mean it, just to keep the peace" tactic, its LONG TERM effect after a couple of years is that you become progressively incapable of saying what you actually think: reasonable criticisms of bad behaviour stick like a lump in your throat, choking you.

You tell yourself that you will stand up to them over a crucial issue, but in their actual presence, you find that you have been trained by them, and have trained yourself, to agree, to compliment, to give in. It's quite Pavlovian, and you are the dog. Here, the idea that you give in on small things in order to 'save your willpower' for the bigger issues that effect your personal ethical integrity is also simply wrong.

An adept narcissist will salami-slice their way through your boundaries until you have no strength to do anything but capitulate on the big issues. Dealing with narcissists on a daily basis is a constant clash of moral authority, and most of us fail. As Milgram showed fifty years ago, if you accept the idea of giving someone a small, mildly uncomfortable electric shock because someone in authority told you it's okay even though you felt bad about it, then for most people it takes us less than an hour before we are delivering fatal electric shocks to screaming, incarcerated victims.

As Milgram himself stated:. Moreover, even when the destructive effects of their work become patently clear, and they are asked to carry out actions incompatible with fundamental standards of morality, relatively few people have the resources needed to resist authority. Do not mistake me for someone who does not understand how difficult it is to stand up to a narcissist, particularly when you have known them long enough to have worked out that they are one particularly the covert narcissist : by this time, your moral centre is almost certainly compromised.

I understand that it is difficult, that people are just trying to "safeguard [their] emotional and mental welfare" in the here and now. But that is approach is one steeped in victim mentality. Narcissists do what they do to others because they have found that they get away with it, day after day, year after year. THIS is the basis of their sense of entitlement: because not enough people are willing to call them on small bad behaviours, then on medium bad behaviours, then on egregious bad behaviour.

I agree with you completely. Trying to get along with people and most of all a narcissist when your body is telling you otherwise trains you not to speak up. Going along with them over the smaller issues is more like a practice for what you would do when there is a big issue. I recently heard someone say something that meant that you do in most areas of your life to a certain extent what you do in one.

And I have felt that in my own life. We think we will differentiate when it matters but few people if any are actually able to do that.