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Table of contents

Open-air weddings can be particularly attractive — so much so that there is a growing demand from non-Jewish people, of other faiths or none, for weddings to be held outdoors. Although Jews and Quakers have been able to marry according to their own rites since the 17th century, everyone else must marry indoors. To get round this requirement, an increasing number of venues seat the guests in a park or garden while the formalities are conducted in structures such as bandstands, garden pergolas and, in one case, a beach hut.

The Law Commission, which advises the government on reform, has understandably concluded that marriage laws no longer meet the needs of our time. The legislation was last modernised in and some aspects of it, such as the calling of the banns in church, date back as far as the 12th century. At this stage, though, it is not recommending specific changes, even on a provisional basis, although it is ruling out making everyone undergo a civil marriage, and it does not want to extend the privileges enjoyed by religious groups to humanists and others with non-religious beliefs.

Nor does it want to pick up a number of hot potatoes, such as age of consent; marriage to relatives; requiring religious groups to permit same-sex marriages; the scope of civil partnership; and the rights and responsibilities of marriage and divorce. The problem, of course, is that marriage law was not designed for a multifaith era — and still less for people who wish to marry in non-religious premises other than register offices. Nowadays, these include not only hotels and country houses but also casinos, shopping centres and zoos.

People are registering private homes as approved premises, perhaps so that the couple who live there can marry in — or, in practice, overlooking — their back garden.

Marriage and the Great Plan of Happiness

So some couples find themselves having two ceremonies — one in a register office to satisfy the law and one that they regard as binding on their consciences. There may be a third ceremony if the couple come from different religious backgrounds and an interfaith ceremony is not permitted. Much more worryingly, some couples go through a religious ceremony without realising that it does not constitute a legally binding marriage in England and Wales.

In one case, according to the Law Commission, a couple who had neither given notice nor registered their marriage were found to be validly married because their ceremony just happened to take place in a building that was registered for marriages at a time when an authorised person just happened to be present.

As each partner wrestles with self-redefinition, the two often bump up against long-settled arrangements they have made and the identities, relationship, and careers they have crafted together. Some of those arrangements—whose career takes precedence, for example—may need to be reconsidered to allow one partner to quit a job and explore alternatives.

It may be painful to question the choices they made together during the previous transition and have since built their lives around. Couples who handle this transition well find ways to connect with and support each other through what can feel like a very solitary process. The second transition often begins—as it did for Camille and Pierre—when one partner reexamines a career or life path. That person must reflect on questions such as: What led me to this impasse? Why did I make the choices I made?

Who am I?


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What do I desire from life? Whom do I want to become? He or she should also take time to explore alternative paths, through networking events, job shadowing, secondments, volunteer work, and so forth. Such individual reflection and exploration can lead couples to the first trap of the second transition:. Living with a partner who is absorbed in exploring new paths can feel threatening. Painful questions surface: Why is my partner not satisfied?

Is this a career problem or a relationship problem? Am I to blame? Why does he or she need new people? Am I no longer enough? These doubts can lead to mistrust and defensiveness, which may push the exploring partner to withdraw further from the relationship, making the other even more mistrustful and defensive, until eventually the relationship itself becomes an obstacle to individuation, rather than a space for it.

In such a situation, people should first be open about their concerns and let their partners reassure them that the angst is not about them or the relationship. Next, they should adopt what literary critics call suspension of disbelief —that is, faith that the things they have doubts about will unfold in interesting ways and are worth paying attention to. Finally, they should understand their role as supporters. Originally identified and described by the psychologist John Bowlby, the secure base allows us to stretch ourselves by stepping outside our comfort zone while someone by our side soothes our anxieties about doing so.

In some couples one partner consistently supports the other without receiving support in return. Their lives were so packed, however, that Camille had trouble finding the energy to return the favor. It is important to remember that acting as a secure base does not mean annihilating your own wishes, atoning for past selfishness, or being perfect. You can be a wonderful supporter for your partner while requesting support in return and taking time for yourself. In fact, that will most likely make you a far better and less resentful supporter.

In my research I found that couples who make it through their second transition are those in which the partners encourage each other to do this work—even if it means that one of them is exploring and providing support at the same time. Once the exploring partner has had a chance to determine what he or she wants in a career, a life, or a relationship, the next step is to make it happen—as a couple. Take Matthew and James, another pair I spoke with, who had risen through the professional ranks in their 18 years together. When Matthew realized that he wanted to get off what he called the success train—on which he felt like a mere passenger—both he and James had to let go of their identity as a power couple and revisit the career-prioritization agreement they had forged during their first transition.

Initially Matthew was reluctant to talk to James about his doubts, because he questioned whether James would still love him if he changed direction. When they started discussing this, however, they realized that their identity as a power couple had trapped them in a dynamic in which both needed to succeed but neither could outshine the other.

Acknowledging and renegotiating this unspoken arrangement allowed James to shoot for his first senior executive position and Matthew to transition into the nonprofit sector. It was the culmination of two years of immense change for her and her husband, Jeremy, who were in their late fifties. Jeremy is a digital visual artist. Though he was sad, he had become confident enough to feel excited about whatever might come next. Now she was being asked to take an early retirement deal.

She felt thrown on the scrap heap despite her long commitment to the company.


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No career, no parents, no children to care for—who was she now? She felt disoriented and adrift. The third transition is typically triggered by shifting roles later in life, which often create a profound sense of loss. Careers plateau or decline; bodies are no longer what they once were; children, if there are any, leave home. Having raced through decades of career growth and child-rearing, couples wake up with someone who may have changed since the time they fell in love.

They may both feel that way.

Dave Ramsey's 7 Baby Steps

These changes again raise fundamental questions of identity: Who am I now? Who do I want to be for the rest of my life? Although loss usually triggers it, the third transition heralds opportunity. Life expectancy is rising across the globe, and older couples may have several decades of reasonably good health and freedom from intensive parenting responsibilities.

On the side

As careers and work become more flexible, especially for those with experience, people can engage in multiple activities more easily than previous generations could—combining advisory or consulting work with board service, for example. Their activities often include giving back to the community, leaving some kind of legacy, mentoring younger generations, rediscovering passions of their youth, or dedicating themselves more to friendships.

Their task in the third transition is to again reinvent themselves—this time in a way that is both grounded in past accomplishments and optimistic about possibilities for the future. They must mourn the old, welcome the new, figure out how the two fit together, and adjust their life path to support who they want to become.

I met many couples who were charting new paths out of this transition that involved a merging of their work—launching a new business together, for example. Couples lack role models for what reinvention can look like at this stage of life. To move through the third transition, couples must acknowledge how they got where they are and commit to playing new roles for each other in the future.

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By recognizing this—and both their roles in cementing it—they were able to become more mutually supportive. By the time a couple reaches the third transition, they will probably have suffered their fair share of disappointments and setbacks. They may be tired from years of taking care of others, or just from staying on the treadmill. As their roles shift and doubts about their identities grow, reinvention may be beyond consideration.

So couples must explore again.

What You Should Know About Family Law in Ontario

Even more than in the second transition, they need to flirt with multiple possibilities. But it is vital to overcome the fear of leaving behind a cherished self and allow ambitions and priorities to diversify. Exploring at this stage is rejuvenating. Many people associate exploring with looking for new options, which is surely important. Having rebalanced their support for each other, Norah and Jeremy could open up to new possibilities. Having earned financial security from their previous work, they sought reinvention not only in their careers but also in their wider roles in the world.

Encouraging each other, they both transitioned to portfolio working lives. Jeremy became a freelance digital visual artist, took a part-time role teaching young art students at a local college, and dedicated more time to his passion of dinghy sailing. Norah retrained to be a counselor working with distressed families and began volunteering at a local agricultural museum.

With these new opportunities and more time for each other and their friends, they felt newfound satisfaction with their work and with their relationship. The challenges couples face at each transition are different but linked.