My Ex Drives Me Nuts! - Here Is How To Keep Your Sanity When Dealing With Your Ex - For Men

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Being aware of this ploy may help you realize that nothing you said or did is responsible for the boatload of anger now coming your way. What you are seeing is what psychologists call "narcissistic rage. This is all smoke and mirrors. It serves to divert attention away from their misdeeds. It seems as if most narcissists would rather die than admit they're in the wrong. But, sometimes, especially if they think you're going to end the relationship, they'll apologize profusely, enough to make you believe that they're sincere.

The last thing they want you to do is cut them out of your life. They prefer to hold the scissors, so they can clip the cord when they are good and ready. This is after they have once again kicked you into submission, so they can end things with a flourish. A narcissist would get nowhere if he only picked on people who knew what he was up to.

Instead, he chooses his victims wisely, after a period of grooming them to take a fall. During this process, expect to be love bombed. He'll put you up on a pedestal.


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He'll profess his love and devotion. You'll think you've just met the perfect friend, soul mate or romantic partner. However, this honeymoon period is likely short lived. A narcissist will eventually chip away at your self esteem, so you begin to doubt yourself. Then he'll abuse you. By that point, you might even think you deserve to be treated this way. Narcissists get their targets to doubt themselves through a variety of psychological techniques, such as gaslighting. This is when they say or do something, but deny it vigorously.

It's a very cruel form of mental torture, named after a s movie in which a deranged husband tries to drive his poor wife crazy. If you're involved with a narcissist, you can also expect to be belittled and insulted. This is also designed to erode your confidence. Recognizing what the narcissist is up to will help you take steps to stop this behavior. If you're dating such a person, the best thing to do is to go "no contact.

A narcissist doesn't want you to leave him. He wants to dump you, but only after you no longer matter to him, and he's found another target. If you walk out on him, it will deal a death blow to his over-sized ego. He wants to protect his inflated self worth at all costs. So, if he senses that you're about to exit, he will once again be on his very best behavior. He'll act just how he acted in the beginning of the relationship. Because this was such a happy time, it's tempting to try to return to these pleasant memories. However, your knight in shining armor was only an illusion.

The real persona is much darker. After another "honeymoon period," you can bank on seeing some of the same old tricks that drove you nuts in the first place. Don't fall for this ploy. Someone who abuses once will abuse again. In fact, the next time will probably be even more unpleasant, and will come much sooner than you expect. Narcissists are extremely reliable, in terms of making empty promises. As she is trying to work her way back into your life, she'll promise never to hurt you again. But this is a lie, as are nearly all the other words that leave her lips. One hallmark if narcissism is the propensity to deceive.

This may be done to avoid consequences, such as you ending the relationship. Or, lies may be told for no apparent reason. It seems as if many people with moral disorders like to pull the wool over people's eyes. They get pleasure from being tricky and sneaky. For instance, your romantic partner will let you take her out to an expensive restaurant. She'll whisper in your ear how much she loves you. Later that night, after you drive her home, she meets her new boyfriend.

Getting away with something like this is what she considers fun. If someone deceives you once, they'll likely do it again and again. It's not worth it. You've invested months, if not years, in a relationship with a narcissist. You dearly miss the person you thought they were, and you have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that this "wonderful" individual doesn't really exist. You keep hoping, and even expecting, the person you first met will once again reappear. Because this happens periodically, when the narcissist is trying to get back into your good graces, you begin to live for these times.

This intermittent reinforcement is what keeps you coming back for more. She always threatens me to go back to court for custody. I'm so sick of it. Can't deal with it anymore. Basically I know I'm a good father but the thought of going to court and possibly losing time with my kids literally scares the hell out of me.

Ex wife is an abusice narc. In every way imaginable, including physical, environmental, emotional etc. Anyone reading can probably relate. She needs to control every single aspect of daughter's life and used to be the same with mine until I escaped. Daughter is 13 and swims competitively I hate the culture surrounding this sport. I think it can be very damaging for kids unless the parents can check themselves. Ex wife is about as bad as you can get. Conditional love, emotionally abusive punishment for not making PR times etc. She's thrown her towel on the floor and made her pick it up and told her she deserves it because she is wasting her time etc.

It's ruined swimming for daughter. Anyway, daughter and I have both made big strides since the divorce. I'm really proud of her and the more-free person she is becoming. She's finally starting to feel safe around me and is starting to realize that mom is not God incarnate. She's starting to explore other interests etc. She refuses to go to practices. I really try my best to encourage her to stick with it, but the truth is the more free she becomes when she's with me the less she wants to swim.

I truly think it's her way of testing to see if it's safe to be honest with a parent about how she feels about swimming. She wouldn't dare defy her mother, and for two years was afraid to defy her by proxy when she was with me. Now the truth is coming out. At swim meets, on weekends she's with me, she sits with mom. These last all day. Mom still controls everything. I feel like the assertive thing to do is somehow not allow it to continue to happen It's bad for her long term, but it's all she knows. I don't know how to stop it. By saying anything to daughter, or by demanding daughter stays with me at meets,I feel like I'm just putting daughter more in the middle.

Like I'm showing her she is a prize to be fought over and that it goes against the freedom I've been working hard for two years on trying to instill in her. Now I'm being harassed and my personal life violated. My question is should I just let go being that she has made several statements that I was being used or should I just stick it out now that she's told him I'm not trust worthy.

Oh I forgot to add!.. We have Mediation next week on my 31st Birthday.. I don't know whether I should laugh or cry! I met my husband in EMT class. We are married now. We have been together for 12 years.. Will be 13 years this October It was love at first sight. Then the ex-wife started texting him, asking him if she could meet me. They have a son together. I kept telling him that I don't want to meet her. I was always a very quiet, smart, and shy person. Didn't want any drama in my life bc I was busy in college and finally found the person I knew I was going to marry.


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He told me that she cheated on him and was a drunk. I found out that it was true bc she cheated on her second ex husband and went to jail for being drunk and hitting a cop. He couldn't find her for 5 hours and then found her with another man in a different room. So she and my husband were divorced for two years already before I met him in class. So one day he and I were at the college and she started circling around us in her car. He got a text from her. She was of course asking to meet me. So then I was like "no.. He was like yes. So then I was like "fine I'll meet her"..

But knew this was a bad idea. So I met her there in the middle of the street. She was obviously jealous bc as we were walking away she called him over to her asking about their son. It was obviously a stupid question she asked, bc my boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband, said "what???? So we walked off holding hands and after that day.. Me and my husband started coaching my step sons tball team, and she showed up, and right in front of me, she handed her dad a piece of paper to give to me..

And it was about a husband and wife.. And the wife said "the funeral director. It seemed odd and demented that she would hand me this in the middle of tball practice. She is suing us now bc she hasn't seen her son in two years and is blaming us. She left her son alone in a hotel room for 12 hours step son counted the hours , and my husband told her she can't see him anymore, bc he was afraid for their sons life. She disappeared for two years. She didn't try to even see her son at school ARD meetings he has Autism or lunch or soccer games.

It's such a crazy situation for me to be in. I wish I never met her. She is crazy and jealous and can't be trusted. She also waited to sue us and take us to court right after we bought our first house. We also have custody bc she made him miss 87 days of school.

This is the best advice on dealing with a combative ex-wife. My husband had a few years of this sort of behaviour and I was threatened several times resulting in police involvement. In the end my husband had a zero tolerance on any communication except in writing and only concerning the health or welfare of the children.

He refused to speak or return calls or texts, no matter what the subject and no matter how provocative. He never deviated from the Court agreed arrangements over contact. It was overwhelmingly in his children's best interests for it to be that way. You don't have to be terrorised in your children's best interests. You must do whatever leads to the greatest stability and peace for them. In some cases this means that you must work hard not to engage or fan the flames of madness and aggression, by indulging in communication with somebody who just wants to hurt you.

Although I was involved in several legal and police processes over her harassment of me, I have never met his ex-wife face to face. I did not go to my step-sons wedding last year in order to save him the stress of 'what might happen' and I didn't want his special day overshadowed.

My husband has just received a message from his ex saying that it would be much better if we could all be together in one room for the sake of the children once the new grandchild arrives later this month. Pity it's taken 20 years to figure it out! Last year I met this wonderful man.

He was really upfront about his life, his ex wife they are not yet divorced and his children. As it was a new situation for me, and him, i felt cautious but confident we could make a go of it. At first it was amazing, we are very good together, and with our work schedules he could still see the kids mostly every day and make time for our relationship as well. It seemed to be working really well. Fast forward to just before Christmas when he had a date with me but I heard nothing from him as he was arguing with his ex.

This made me feel really uneasy and I explained that if that was going to happen he should contact me, or really walk away and continue when they were both calm again another day. He never told her about us, but he lives on a small island where I would visit and even though we would be really cautious someone could have easily spotted me getting into his car etc. She lied about the nativity play times for the kids performance so he missed it and then told him it was because she was so pissed off at him!!! I start to feel really worried I will lose him, but after my vacation I come back and everything seems great again I asked if he can have the kids by himself but she refuses and tells him that she will poison the kids again him.

My friends think he just needs to stand up to his ex wife. My husbands ex has tried everything in the book to keep their daughter away from him. Now she is trying to pull me into the equation. All of the sudden she doesn't want me to pick her up when he can't. I just don't understand how a person can hate their life so much that they do their best to try and destroy yours. It looks like I'm heading there in 6 months. Long distance never met the ex and she's already making plans to come over whether he is there or not.

I am a step parent to 2 boys. My husband had these boys since I met him, they were 5 and 7. I have a long story and I am sure we all do, but after my husband and I along with the boys came back from our destination wedding, ex wife wanted to try for custody of the boys AGAIN I don't want to complain about mom here because most of us can relate to the craziness of someone like the mom in my story.

I want to rant about the legal system for letting this crazy lady wreak havoc in our lives when ever she can get someone to pay for her attorney, when we can no longer afford one. I want to cry about the fact that I don't have the strength to let it go anymore, to stay strong believe in God's power and what is meant to be will be. I just feel like I can't be involved in this anymore, I cant be here for my husband anymore.

She is winning and I know that. I am giving her everything she wants and failing myself, my husband and my step children in the process. Here it is though the boys are getting older and they have their own issues as young teens. How can I go on with this when I just feel that I can't anymore?

There still not divorced and have been with him now 2 years plus living with him. His ex has done nothing but make me feel worthless as his partner and now have a court order for him and still manages to cause havoc we argue so much about this as I do not get it at all. I have two children myself. She still wears her engagement ring.

I had a nasty incidents with the ex wife, im already at my limits not to fight back. She had cheated on my man for the third time and the last time she already got knocked up. And thats the reason my man said enough, no longer saving the marriage it for the sake of the kids. Im totally pissed of with her, the typical scamming filipina, my husband already gaver her almost all the things he worked hard for, and still keep on harrassing us using the kids.

Sounds so much like my ex. Unfortunately police do not like to enforce the custody orders even when it is on paper in front of them. It happened to me and it was dreadful and not being able to see your children is heartbreaking. I have some advice for the unfortunate ones of vengeful ex's who are like this - ask for a watch commander immediately if the officer is not willing to help you, but ALWAYS try to get your ex to show up and communicate with them before calling the if they're like my ex, they will either ignore you or get belligerent.

Print your papers out for custody AND print your state's penal code showing the code of the law for "custodial interference". ALWAYS tell the police you want to press charges immediately and you want a warrant issued for an arrest based on the penal code in your state and that you intend to follow up with the prosecuting district attorney and would like their information.

This attracts attention at a federal level where the FBI becomes involved and I guarantee they will be kicking the police in the butt to get them moving or showing up to you instead of the police. Your child instantly becomes the center of a manhunt underway when you initiate this action. And when they ask if you called the local police you can say you did and they didn't offer any relief to help you, therefore you had nowhere else to turn. After you get your child ren , instantly file a contempt of court motion emergency orders and Restraining order including the child on it , change of custody to full or extremely limited custody or supervised visitation only, new child support papers, and then call into court by subpeona the police officers who refused to help you before the hearing.

You want to bring them to the stand and ask them WHY they did not bother to enforce the order the judge signed and I would go so far as to ask that charges of contempt be brought to those officers as well before they leave the court room. This is about the only way to deal with these types of ex's. If you've read this before it happens to you, then you're in luck, but a lot of the time, it takes it happening to you a time or two. But it is a golden card to parents who get cheated by their ex and for finding a way to counter-act bad police.

Thank you for this insightful article and the comments from "Not My Circus of Monkeys I could not have expressed it better myself. I'm in the same position and we can no longer continue to be part of the cycle of crazy my husband's ex insists on living in at the risk of hurting the son we have together, our life, our marriage. My stepdaughter has lied, twice, to get her mother to call CPS and her mother has been waiting and threatening to jump at the chance to try and hurt me for years. It has been a very painful process but there is no way to live with the constant abuse and threats from his ex, and my stepdaughter is too afraid of her mother to do anything else.

I feel that at this point, the ex can have the "loyalty" she had been raging about from her daughter, stop punishing her whenever she felt threatened by me, and we can be left to live our life in peace and health. It has been 8 years and I finally realized it was time "to drop the rope" and protect my family and marriage. I'm still in a state of shock that it had to come to this.

We dropped the rope 10 years ago. The child was playing into the mother's games, and I told my husband I was done. I'd always been willing to help before- with transport, being with the child during his time if he wasn't quite off work and the ex tried to make a big deal out of it until my husband pointed out how often ex left the child with her then husband. All complaints about me on that front stopped. Not in my house. What if the child lied about me out of anger, or the ex's direction, or whatever? I'd potentially face problems and inquiries about MY kids.

That was when it ended, for me. That child is not mine, and has no respect for their father or the rest of his family - and the child and the ex are not my problem. I have to advocate for MY kids. We wish them great joy together. The kids can't help that their mom is hateful and crazy, but I didn't marry the woman or have kids with her and my kids are my priority when up against her. I'm sad for my husband and his child that a mean, sick woman has ruined it for them- but at some point, you have to care for your own vs continuing to hurt for another.

Our lives are better without the worry, stress, anger, and feeling of always walking a tight rope. Ex and the child have continued in their negative, drama-laden ways. I feel for the child, because mom has a death grip. And the child can't get away, but must proclaim publicly how much they love mom and all her antics. But no longer my circus or monkeys. I can't save the monkeys or stop them from constantly flinging shit.

The Narcissistic Ex, Part II | Psychology Today

Wow, this is so much like our sad lives. Thanks for the article! I found it extremely helpful to know my family isn't the only ones going through this, by the terrorist as you so call these kinds of birth mothers. Just a thought but, have you ever considered you are crazy? Why are you bothing with a man who has a child with someone else? Have you thought about the child? Whether as friends or partner's? Women like you are JUST as insane.

Get over your self and stop writing entire ridiculous blogs about a problem that really isn't your problem. Clearly there is a difference. My husband and I have been ignoring, his ex's calls and texts for seven years. She hasn't stopped harassing us, and recently tried to assault me in front of their 2 daughters. It's too much to handle on a day to day basis. Yey, I finally found my people! It is going on 5 years now and I have at last given up waiting for her to 'come around'. I have also come to accept her right to hate me. While these may seem like small steps, they were hard-won victories for my own peace of mind.

Many people have mentioned looking for a support group. Here are a few:. What if your husband can't not answer the phone from the ex? He still honors her even though she left him. Hell , after being with him for 4 years he told me today that he has their dishes stored up in the attic in case the kids want them or we can use them in our cabin we want to get one day!!!!! This article really hit home and the struggle is so real. My husband allows his ex-wife to control soo much. She claims everything she does is in the kids best interest and it isn't about money, but she is truly just hurting the kids and I worry about their mental health.

The only time she is good is when it benefits her. She is literally making our lifes a living hell and my husband seems so scared of losing the kids that he bows down to it. I don't really know how to even attempt to get this under control! The problem was my ex-husband did very little or anything at all about her behaviour despite my suggestions to ignore her. Hence why we are separated. And now she continues with her behaviour where she ran into my manager and told my manager that my marriage ended. Now this is personal.

My exhusbands exwife has crossed my personal boundaries and I want to tell her this. Another tip and not for the faint of heart is to document the unsolicited and vulgar texts, emails, and phone calls with your local law enforcement. We asked that a report be written but not acted on until and unless it was necessary thankfully they agreed to do this.

The point is not to bombard your local PD with domestic issues they don't have time for non emergent issues and generally won't get involved with custody related incidents. The purpose is to show that these are not isolated incidents and that there is proof of a reasonable request for the ex to STOP the behavior. It took us a year to finally act on the report filed in the previous year and we added MORE copies of text messages and emails to the existing report.

When the police officer called the ex, she laughed and said "I thought it might come to this"! And really that was all we wanted. Those very negative and hurtful behaviors of the ex can become such a distraction from taking care of the kids and learning how to co-parent. In our case, the x has absolutely zero respect for my husband as a parent or human being for that matter, so his request for her to stop the harassment fell on def ears.

One call from law enforcement with a warning to discontinue or they would press charges did the trick tho. This could not have been written any better. I have lived the hell for last 3.

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We aren't married yet because we've gone through hell thebmost expensive custody court hell possible and basically are back to saving up plus I didn't want to do it in this hell. I've had a child and she has had her life thrown up and down and once we got out of the custody hell we did not get what we should have because my step son tells terrible lies about my partner claiming physical abuse all lies but they believed it all she had been planning this for three years and my daughter hadn't seen her siblings for over six months she now is going through hell trying to adjust with them but only sees them two weekends a month.

Do not allow this to go on as long as I did! Get these evil ppl out of your life now. One thing I had to keep telling my partner was you don't need to speak to her every single day, or even every other day you shouldn't need to speak unless something has happened. My boyfriends ex told the kids to give him an ultimatum, either them or his girlfriend. He already broke up with me once over this. He later felt awful and asked to work things out. As soon as his family found out we were together, they said they didnt want anything to do with him again and havent talked to him in 2 months.

We recently moved in together and I am afraid that they could give another ultimatum where he leaves again. His wife was sending me harassing text messages hoping she would give me information about his past that would destroy us. I told her to stop as her texts were evidence of harrassment. I am feeling lost with the drama Let's say your husband's ex wife learns how to hack your computer Take it a step further the psycho includes ME the spouse on contempt of child support on an invalid order How can I protect myself legally?

She does not even make sense, she operates on jealousy! AS long as husband and wife are together in everything including court order , everything usually flows better. I have found out That when I tell my husband what to do with his sons mom I usually am mad and want it my way.

But now what I do is try to relax and explain my feelings towards the situation in a calmer way , he responds better. And most of the time what the other person wants the sons mother. Thank you for this. I'm going through a very xXxX ex wife and she uses the kids like trophies and makes my man feel like a shit father cause he can't take the kids at her beck and call.

It makes m3 wick cause all she cares about is money and making him feel like a shitty father. It's so frustrating because I feed them, teach them, wash clothes and they do love me. But that's expected cuz she thinks she is priviliedge to everything. Betcha that's not happened to her before seeing as she is a respected Marine. But she crossed the line, yelling horrible things, banging on our door, so I told her, if she cant talk reasonable inside, then she's got to go.

Im super upset about it, I hate confrontation and usually like to work things out.

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But disrespecting everyone in my house was NOT going to happen. Hopefully she takes a look at herself, but I doesnt seem she will. But I stood up for myself, my husband, and all the kids in the house. Thank you for this article. Just not sure my SO would agree to do this. It just got to a point where i refuse to pay for his petrol back and forth to work because he jumps when his ex wife needs him and she is using the children as bait to get to him.

I'm just so frustrated. My question is what do you do if you have talked to your husband about how when his ex text him sharing her good news, accomplishments or compliments him on how good he is looking that when he responds with proud of you, you look good too or great job this feeds her ego and keeps her claws into you. He disagrees and says he is just being nice. I don't feel he is going to go back to her but this helps keep the crazy going and she feels she has the upper hand. The thing is none of this started until we got married which has been a little over a month ago. On the positive side, the diagnosed crazy ex that my husband and I deal with isnt as bad as the author's.

I find whats frustrating is that us as Step parents are not always the bad guys. Why can't moms have an appreciation for someone else being a role model in their children lives? I help feed them, and pay for their activities, and take care of them when sick, why all the fuss and rude messages and then say " you don't have the kids interest in mind, just you and your new fiance" thats not fair.

What is the best way for step moms to deal? Thanks for this post. My ex wife is just this type. To the point that she committed adultery and still thinks she can harass me is beyond me. I just watch in horror as she continues to be high strung considering poor judgment.

I am patiently waiting to get the last laugh in this matter. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I came across this page by chance and have sat reading it in tears. It finally feels like someone understands, I could have wrote this myself. There have been times I have questioned if I can carry on in this ridiculous situation despite how much I love my partner. See 89 more comments. Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners. HubPages and Hubbers authors may earn revenue on this page based on affiliate relationships and advertisements with partners including Amazon, Google, and others.

To provide a better website experience, wehavekids. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so. For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: With a little effort and some strong boundaries, you can. Girlfriends, Wives, and Stepmoms: Recognize the Crazy If your husband frequently receives 10 to 15 ranting and abusive emails manifestos from the ex-wife in a 24 hour period, this is not normal. Get on the Same Page as Your Husband High conflict ex-wives intrude into every last fiber of your being and into every last corner of your home.

Find Someone to Talk To Like-minded women are out there! Stepmom Support Who do you talk to the most about your stepmom problems? I talk to people in real life I talk to people in online forums I don't feel I can talk to anyone See results. Wyatt Fisher, a licensed psychologist and couples counselor. End the Drama The cycle-o-drama will continue as long as you and your husband let it. If you are personally communicating with the ex, stop. Do not email her, text her, talk to her on the phone, or speak to her in person.

In all likelihood, it is not you that she hates. She would hate whatever woman was in your shoes. Remove yourself from her crosshairs. Simply quit interacting with her this very second. There are no excuses for communicating with someone who wants to blow your head off with a bazooka on your wedding day. If he can get it ordered through a court, your husband should only communicate with her via email or on a website like Our Family Wizard. He should not text her, talk to her on the phone, or have conversations with her in person.

What will the ex do? She can call all day long, but that does not mean your husband has to answer the phone.

What to Do If Your Ex Blocks You on Facebook?

Let her leave messages and then email a response if one is needed. Follow the custody agreement exactly as it is written. Do not switch weekends. Do not do anything not written down on that piece of paper. If your husband has a horrible and vague court order, then it is time to head back to court. If there is any wiggle room, a high-conflict ex will use it to stir up trouble and continue the conflict. In our house, we have a motto or two that get us through: Do not write more than four short and direct sentences per email. Today, my husband can get by on as few as four emails per month.

Let It Go She may be a vindictive, narcissistic, and controlling bully. Are There Legal Solutions? An anti-harassment order is a type of civil court-ordered restraining order that's available only to victims of harassment. A restraining order also called an order of protection might help establish boundaries in a violent situation. They can put more limits on a harasser's actions and might help if you have been threatened and feel like you or the children could be in danger. There is usually no cost to file these. You can get the forms from a courthouse.

Police officers not enforce these orders. A civil injunction is the divorce court's version of a personal protection order. They usually require both parents to desist from disparaging one another, in front of their kids or anywhere else. Her ex was litigious, had manipulated their son into aligning with him, and had made false allegations of child abuse. But she was so blinded by divorce craziness that she couldn't see the oxygen mask dangling in front of her.

Below are five steps that are crucial to surviving a hellish divorce. They won't change your ex, but they will definitely change you -- for the better. Focus on what you can control. You cannot co-parent with a high-conflict ex and you have not failed by parallel parenting. Nor have you failed If the conflict becomes so unmanageable that you end up relinquishing custody to your ex.

You have made the best, or only, choice available to you at the time. Let go of the things not within your power and take charge of the things that are. Do not allow the divorce to consume your life. This is especially difficult in the midst of litigation, but vital for your mental health. Set time limits on divorce-related tasks: Make time for activities that enhance your life: