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Table of contents

My father, M. He had many old French customs, amongst others that of brushing his bearded lips against my cheek. Why have I mentioned him? I know not, save that even now, degraded as I am, memories of better things sometimes steal over me like the solemn sound of church-bells pealing in a cathedral belfry.

But I have done with home, with father, with patriotism, with claret, with walnuts, and with all simple pleasures. The words are meaningless to me. Cold and pitiless, Nature sits aloft like a mathematician, with his balance regulating the storm-pulses of this troubled world. I fling myself in her teeth. I brazen it out. She quails. For, since the accursed food passed my lips, the strength of a million demons is in me. I am pitiless. Now I have knowledge.

I am my own good. I glance haughtily into--[Ten rhapsodical pages omitted. Paris, beauteous city of the lost. What did I mean? The world is very evil. I, too, am dead--I who have written this rubbish--I am dead, and sometimes, as I walk, my loved one glides before me in aerial phantom shape, as on page 4, Vol.

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Be warned! The men are such as their officers make them The force is 1, officers short of its proper complement. You'll find, my fine friend, what your folly has cost you, late, Henceforth for me the calm comfort of Clubs! To lounge on a cushion and hear the balls rattle 'Midst smoke-fumes, and sips on the field of green cloth, Is better than leading slow troops to sham battle, In stupid conditions that rouse a man's wrath. Commissions, they say, go a-begging. Incapables take them, but capables shy. For twenty-one years you have harried us nicely. And now, like the rest, we're on Strike, Sir.

And why? The game, you old fossil, is not worth the candle, Your kicks for my halfpence? The bargain's too bad! If you want bogus leaders sham soldiers to handle, You'll now have to take duffers, deadheads, and cads! But that's not your game. You're actively snubby, or coldly inactive: We pay, and you pooh-pooh! We do not mind giving our time and our money, Or facing March blasts, or the floods of July; But till nettles bear grapes, Sir, or wasps yield us honey, You won't get snubbed men to pay up and look spry.

The "multiplication of camps and manoeuvres"? All right! If the whole game resolves into playing the fool? To play that game longer and pay for it too, Sir, Won't suit me at all. I'm disgusted and bored.

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Your kicks for my halfpence? No, no, it won't do, Sir!

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And therefore, old Tapenoddle--take back the sword! Must butter up Billsbury like fun. How would this do? The rash and foolish experiments of those who sought to impair the glorious fabric of our laws and our Constitution found no favour in Billsbury. It was not your fault, I know, that this state of things has not been maintained, and that Billsbury is now groaning under the heavy burden of a distasteful representation. Far be it from me to say one word personally against the present Member for Billsbury.

Must throw in something about Conservatives being the true friends of working-men. What shall I say next? Church and State, of course, Ireland pacified and contented, glorious financial successes of present Government, steady removal of all legitimate grievances, and triumphs of our diplomacy in all parts of the world.


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Shall have to say a good word for Liberal-Unionists. Must try to work in the story of the boy and the plum-cake. It made them scream at the Primrose League meeting at Crowdale.


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I got just two Statements of Claim, and a Motion before a Judge in Chambers, all last year, the third year after my call. To bed. I was introduced to them all, and forgot which was which immediately afterwards, which was most embarrassing, as I had to address them all as "you," a want of distinction which I am afraid they felt. Tipped two porters, who carried my bag and rug, a shilling each. They looked knowing, but old TOLLAND had hinted that the other side had got a character for meanness of which we could take a perfectly proper advantage without in any way infringing the Corrupt Practices Act.

Must look up that Act.

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It may be a help. From the station we went straight to the "George. There was a fellow of that name, I think, who came up in my year, a scrubby-faced reading man.


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We made hay in his room after a Torpid "rag," which he didn't like. Hope it isn't the same. I said I remembered him well. The meeting of the Council came off in the large hall of the Billsbury Beaconsfield Club. I didn't take in a word of it, as I was repeating my peroration to myself all the time.

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My speech went off pretty well, except that I got mixed up in the middle, and forgot that blessed story. However, when I got into the buttering part, it took them by storm. PATTLE's able and convincing speech proves 'im not only a master of English, but a consummate orator, able to wield the harmoury" why he put the "h" there I don't know "of wit and sarcasm like a master. She'll like that. Shall go back to London to-morrow. ACT II. The cotton-wool frogs and the chenille monkeys are disarranged, and there are walking things on the sofa.

There, I won't think of him. The inducement would be stronger but for the fact that, as it is, the little lark is generally engaged in that particular occupation. He is tactless, dishonest, familiar, and morally ruined--altogether not at all the kind of person to be a Cashier in a Bank like mine.