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Editorial Reviews. Review. ''Dr. Dilley's clinical expertise and pragmatic style shine through in The Game Is Playing Your Kid: How to Unplug and Reconnect in the Digital Age Kindle Edition. by . ''In an age where even the most revered professionals are polarized on the topic of technology, Dr. Dilley presents an.
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- A site for parents actively supporting kids' social and emotional development
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- Speaker Series: The Game is Playing Your Kid
- Renoki, LLC – Unplug and Reconnect
Response costs can put kids in control in a good way. Hammer out a contract. With an older child, Dilley recommends establishing a contract that spells out which home and school behaviors will earn him the privileges he wants.
Doing so codifies your system of rewards and response costs and lets your son control his destiny, much like performance objectives at work help you control your future earnings. What if your son lives up to his end of the bargain and earns a screen-time bonanza? Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.
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It was Harold and the Purple Crayon come to life. When Sally saw this she went ballistic, she tells me. How could you let him do that?! And in that nanosecond before her children could even look up to see what she was talking about, she saw the answer to her question. But in that instant Sally saw something more worrisome, felt something deeper and more ominous. First, she realized that when she had turned her attention to e-mail, however briefly, her intuitive third eye —the parental antenna—had instantly lost its signal.
A site for parents actively supporting kids' social and emotional development
And then there was the specter of her three older children, each lost in a mind meld with screens. The other mothers nod in agreement.
She is right. Our screens are sucking us in—all of us—in ways that shows like The Brady Bunch never did circa Few of us would even consider trading our wired or Wi-Fi ways for the unplugged and bucolic Brady Bunch life. Our children, born into the digital culture, are natives; they speak the language, tech is their frame of reference, their mind-set. Kids between the ages of eight and eighteen, according to a Kaiser Family report, are spending more time on their electronic devices than any other activity besides maybe sleeping—an average of more than seven and a half hours a day, seven days a week i.
Not only that, they typically multitask on computer, simultaneously instant messaging IM , uploading YouTube videos, posting updates on Facebook, and continually searching the Web for fresh diversions. The so-called downtime they spend on computers is neurologically, psychologically, and often emotionally action packed. Stimulation, hyperconnectivity, and interactivity are, as the psychiatrist and creativity expert Gene Cohen put it, like chocolate to the brain. We crave it.
- Screentime Battles: When Kids Refuse to Unplug.
- The Game Is Playing Your Kid.
- Dr. Joe Dilley presents and signs The Game is Playing Your Kid.
Designed to serve us, please us, inform us, entertain us, and connect us, over time our digital devices have finally come to define us. We step in and out of our various roles throughout the day as coworkers, family, and friends. But with our phones in our pockets, our laptops handy, and our panoramic screens, game systems, and online lives just a click away, for many of us our relationship with technology is our single most consistent domain.
It is our digital backdrop and theme music. In any given moment, with a buzz or a ping, our devices summon us and we are likely to respond, allowing ourselves to be pulled away from our immediate surroundings and anyone in them, into the waiting world of elsewhere and others. Whether we use it for work, shopping, or socializing, for communicating with our children or their teachers, for wonderful reasons or sometimes for meaningless and addictive stuff, the effect is the same: We turn our attention away from those present.
We use the language of addiction to joke about our texting and online habits. We mean to step away from the screen and call it quits for the day, but we sit down for one last check of one last thing—and then one more. We take our phones to bed. We take them to the bathroom. Pregnant women who regularly use cell phones may be more likely to have children with behavioral problems, particularly if those children start using mobile phones early themselves, according to a study that appeared in The Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health in Another study suggests that the quality of sperm may be compromised in men who carry a cell phone in their pants pocket.
Have these risks been enough to motivate us to change our tech habit? We know that some aspects of tech are addictive and that different types of brains are more vulnerable than others. And yet, we are handing these devices—that we use the language of addiction to describe—over to our children, who are even more vulnerable to problems of use and abuse and the impact of everyday use on their developing brains.
Are we blindly cultivating a generation of crackberry kids? Doctors and researchers, from local emergency rooms to the Centers for Disease Control CDC , link the growing use of handheld electronic devices to an alarming increase in injuries to children, especially when parents or caregivers are distracted and fail to properly supervise young children in the moment.
The Wall Street Journal , in a roundup of research and interviews with experts on the subject, noted that injuries to children under age five rose 12 percent between and , after falling for much of the prior decade, according to the most recent data from the CDC. That 14 percent of adults—and 22 percent of adults who send text messages—reported being so distracted by their devices that they have physically bumped into an object or person. The tech effect has transformed every facet of our lives—from work to home to vacation time away—emerging, dot by dot, to reveal a new and unsettling family picture.
While parents and children are enjoying swift and constant access to everything and everyone on the Internet, they are simultaneously struggling to maintain a meaningful personal connection with each other in their own homes. It is the parental paradox of our time: never before has there been so much opportunity for families to plug in and at the same time disconnect. John is distraught because his marriage and family are disintegrating.
A flashpoint is the invasive presence that online time, social networking, texting, and the like have in their lives. His wife has a long commute to her job and she routinely communicates by text with him and their two children, eight and fourteen years old. This includes when she is home and they are all in the house. John prefers face-to-face conversation, or phone calls—voice contact. They fight over whether access to all this tech is hurting their children.
The emotional disconnect between the two of them is acted out and amplified through their battles over technology. John worries about his children and the way their online diversions, texting, and social networking have become the default mode for their attention. Car rides used to include conversation or quiet time with them. No more. Wherever they go his children are either fighting over who has the digital tablet or they are plugged in and oblivious.
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On their last trip, he recalls, their son texted constantly on his phone; the family also had a handheld digital movie player. Back home, what used to be old-fashioned downtime before dinner to hang out as a family, swap stories from the day, and make small talk has vanished. The kids stay in their rooms with their laptops until dinner is ready. Or they come to the table with screens to continue looking up stuff—you know, looking up shoes or looking up music. And young people being the way they are, I mean, what information are they really exchanging?
Hey, yeah. What you doing? So bored. What is the quality of all this connection?
Speaker Series: The Game is Playing Your Kid
My son has had a friend come over for a playdate, and my son is, like, skateboarding, and his friend is just standing there texting, right? Everywhere I go, from parent conferences to kitchen table conversations, a similar mix of confusion and clarity characterizes the concern about tech and family.
When you have very busy lives, your relationships become completely utilitarian and nagging, says Helene, reflecting on life with her husband and two teenage children. She rattles off the to-do list of deadlines and scheduling that dominates their conversations: homework, camp application deadlines, games, sports, concerts, practice, the family social calendar.
I know that feeling as a parent, too. He was in that first generation of digital natives, those children of the early s who grew up around bulky home computers, floppy disks, and loaf-size mobile phones used almost exclusively by their parents and mostly just for work. These were the kids who were in elementary school when the first wave of computers hit the classroom. It was easy for us to set limits on TV none during the school week and to set clear limits on the weekends. But like so many of his peers, Daniel entered adolescence fully computer literate, his intellect wired for upgrades, his appetite eager for mastering games.
Suddenly his after-school social life shifted to a new playing field: computer games. Homework called for screen time, too, and exploratory research on the Internet. So we said yes to a computer, then yes, however hesitantly at times, to new tech, updates, and more computer games when it seemed they were the new requirement for a teenager to stay connected with his friends. His success in the screen world of wizardry and warfare transformed his social life in ways that thrilled him and us. One wave after another, tech swept through the home front. But we were conflicted.
Renoki, LLC – Unplug and Reconnect
It was fun watching him have great experiences. Not so much having to argue or negotiate constantly with him over screen time or game choices. Another experience that focused the evolving and unsettling picture for me arose not at home but one afternoon in Washington, D. Walking through the grounds that still vibrate with the pain and sacrifice of war, we noticed that no matter where we went people were talking on their cell phones with no regard for the people around them or for their own privacy. Instead of that happy hormone reward that comes from video gaming, happy hormone rewards can come from deeply connecting and engaging in joy together.
Those riches — the ones that fill up our hearts and souls — are well worth fighting for.