Guide Parenting Tips For Defiant Toddlers

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Feb 18, - Giving choices can actually reduce defiance. Use humor. This is a great way to take some of the intensity out of the situation and throw a monkey wrench into a power struggle. You might try to pull your child's PJ bottoms over your head, or see if they fit onto her favorite stuffed animal.
Table of contents

• Is it Oppositional Defiant Disorder?
• 7 New Ways to Navigate Defiance From Your Child
• Toddlers (1-2 years of age)
• Why does my preschooler act defiantly?
• Toddlers ( years old) | CDC

I remember how I felt. I felt like he did it on purpose, just to upset me!! I felt like he knew better. Why was he doing this!?! They are more mature and understand more than they did at age two. Three-year-olds are still very immature both emotionally and cognitively. In the research world, 3-year-olds are known as having perfectly logical, yet completely irrational thought.

Jean Piaget called this the pre-operational stage of thinking — or the stage before mental operations function smoothly. In other words, pre-logical. Couple that with the newfound sense of self and egocentric-thought and you have the perfect recipe for defiance.

Your three-year-old is much more capable than they were at age two in understanding concepts and understanding rules. Their self-control centers of the brain have begun to organize and gear up for some rapid development. They are more mature and they do know more and we expect more from them. But, there are still limits to what they can actually do — even when they may have more knowledge. Philip Zelazo.

Is it Oppositional Defiant Disorder?

The cards have pictures of trucks and flowers. The children are asked to sort the cards by color. In the shape game, the trucks go here and the flowers go here. The child is given a picture of a red truck. The card sorting container has a picture of a blue truck. A 3-year-old will mistakenly continue to sort by color, not by shape.

They will put the picture of the red truck in the container with the red flower — sorting by color.

The 3-year-old learned the game as a color-sorting game. They sorted the cards by color first. They understand the rules have changed. They will continue to sort by color alone. The same thing happens if you start with shape game. When you change to the color game they will only sort by shape.

Whatever rule you started with, the child will continue to play by that rule even though they know the rule has changed. Then, as if by magic, bring that same child into the lab when they turn 4-years-old and they can now do the task. They can sort by color and when the rule changes, they can sort by shape.

They can think about the rules, reflect on them, and switch between the rules fairly easily. In the 3-year-old brain, there is a step missing between knowing and doing. A disconnect. The 3-year-old knows the new rule, they can even tell you the new rule. They can also keep the previous rule in their working memory. But, they do not reflect on the two sets of rules at a higher level of thinking. So knowledge of the rules remains in separate mental representations in the mind. Yet, they WANT that toy.

They want it really, really bad.

They also want to be a good friend and they want to do the right thing. But at age three, the desire for the toy often wins and overrides everything else. They can tell you the rule. But their immature brain cannot yet reconcile two conflicting thoughts. This is why it feels like your three-year-old is manipulating you. Because they are mature enough to know the rule and repeat the rule. The trucks go on the truck pile and the flowers go on the flower pile. Where do the trucks go the child points? You put the truck here on the flower pile. Instead, help your child reflect and learn from their mistakes in a warm, encouraging, and sensitive way.

Toddler defiance peaks at age 3 and for most children, as they mature defiance decreases — this is a normal part of development. You wanted to stay up with mom and dad. You got all your frustrations out and then you were calm. You found a way to calm yourself even though you were really angry. To learn more about using Language of Listening, click here to subscribe and receive posts on how to use it.

Your child is the one who will turn down the little blue pill at a high school party. Your child is the one who will stop a friend from drinking and driving.

Your strong-willed toddler is filled with greatness. This post comes with a free printable checklist to help with toddler listening. I always have the hardest time remembering these phrases.

• Works of Charles Dickens 1852-1854.
• The Secret #1 (The Secret Vol. 1)!
• Coping with Defiance in the Early Years • ZERO TO THREE!
• Coping with Defiance in the Early Years.

This printable simplifies it! I've created a free email series just for you!

Why does my preschooler act defiantly?

If you are struggling with teaching your child to listen, this series will help transform your parenting. Yes, really. I've seen my proven strategies work time and time again for parents. I know it can work for you too. Sign up here or click the image below! I write about my crazy parenting adventures, discovering happiness in motherhood and navigating the ups and downs of military life.

I spend my days re-heating coffee while chasing my kids around the house. Hang around for a bit and join the fun! Thank you sooooo much for this article! I have an extremely strong-willed 3 yr old. I will definitely be trying these helpful tips. Great tips! No, no Amanda, you are definitely not the only one! Thank you so very much for this page! Sometimes I feel I can do no right but in reading your blog, I was in tears….

As an army vet…my sons behavior makes perfect sense. This is just what I needed today. Thank you thank you thank you! Much needed read!

My 3yr little girl is extremely strong willed and i. Thanks for the reinforcement. I soo needed this right now coz i m literally in tears. Hi Lauren, Thank you so much for sharing this info! Never have I seen or heard-anywhere- from anyone mom or dad really be so honest about these issues! We all need a reminder because any tips learned can go right down the toilet when stressed out… Thanks again! Sometimes it takes a little nudge to get your mindset right. This is a nudge in a great direction. What a great read and start to my day.

I have 2 very strong willed children and hiding in the master bedroom is very tempting through out my day. Hi Jeff I have to say I have sons, one who is 7 and then a 3 year old. I am a spanker of both my sons. He requires a more refined method — usually redirection and distraction works well with him.

Because spanking just revs his engines up more and leads to more defiance and anger. Dear Lauren, God Bless you and thank you for writing this post.