Guide The Grateful Man and His Secrets: Secrets Of A Grateful Man

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The first night, I struggled to work out exactly what I was supposed to be writing and simply noted some good experiences I had had that day. As I pondered what to write next, I felt a warm, settled, comforting feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Are You Thankful Or Are You Grateful?

Over the following weeks, I was at various times grateful for the time to read my book, grateful to my husband for cooking me soup, grateful to feel the stretch of my muscles in my pilates class. My husband grew used to drifting off to sleep, only to be woken 10 minutes later when I crept out of bed, having realised suddenly what I had forgotten; I suspect that, at those moments, any increase I experienced in gratitude was offset by a decrease in his. As the pages in my diary filled up with scribbled gratitude, I started to find the concept less vomitous.

But there was still much that left me uneasy about the way gratitude has been rebranded by personalities such as Oprah , Arianna Huffington and Richard Branson as the key for everyone to unlock a successful relationship, career and lifestyle. For some people living in poverty, or who have suffered discrimination, or who have a history of trauma, or whose mental or physical health problems have had a devastating impact, to be told that trying to feel grateful might help may feel like an insult.

There may be people for whom keeping a gratitude diary could be counterproductive, says Alex Wood, a psychologist and the centennial professor at London School of Economics who has been a major contributor to this field. Some people may find it helpful, Wood says, but it is feasible that others could feel a sense of misplaced gratitude that keeps them trapped in a dangerous situation, where instead of recognising their reality they feel a perverted form of thankfulness towards those oppressing them.

Smith argued that society only works if we repay the aid that we get from other people, but since we have no legal or financial incentive to do so, we have evolved a sense of gratitude that makes us do it. To have the capacity to feel gratitude, Fortuna says, you must be able to receive and accept something helpful or good from another person.

20 Secrets to Living a Happier Life

It helps if this is something you see happening around you from infancy, so you can learn how it works. It seems to me that a lot of things need to go right for a person to have the capacity to feel gratitude — it is a pretty advanced-level emotion. If feeling grateful to someone else is at least partly contingent on having had healthy, nurturing, nourishing relationships in early life, if it means being able to tolerate feelings of vulnerability and being able to value something given to you by someone else without feeling envious, it is hardly surprising that there is a correlation between gratitude and wellbeing.

Hearing this, I felt an instinctive and overpowering sense of appreciation for what my parents gave me as they made me write those thank-you letters. I tried to remember to add it to my gratitude list that night.

How to Be More Grateful

That is not to say that gratitude cannot develop in later life. At the Portman clinic, Fortuna works with adults who have problems with violence, many of whom had an extremely disturbed, traumatic upbringing. At first, he says, it is not unusual to see very little gratitude from patients, either towards their therapist or towards others.


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But when a patient begins to feel understood, there can be a shift. Suddenly, the patient, who has felt for a long time that everyone is threatening and that they are being persecuted, discovers something friendly in an interaction. It gives us a sense that this work is worthwhile. I tried to remember to add it to my gratitude list that night. That is not to say that gratitude cannot develop in later life.


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    7. At the Portman clinic, Fortuna works with adults who have problems with violence, many of whom had an extremely disturbed, traumatic upbringing. At first, he says, it is not unusual to see very little gratitude from patients, either towards their therapist or towards others. But when a patient begins to feel understood, there can be a shift. Suddenly, the patient, who has felt for a long time that everyone is threatening and that they are being persecuted, discovers something friendly in an interaction. It gives us a sense that this work is worthwhile.

    This gradual emergence of profound moments through meaningful encounters feels different from the branding of gratitude as a lifestyle choice.


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      6. There are times when I have to force myself to write my gratitude diary and it feels like a capitalistic stockpiling of emotion, as if I am making deposits into my gratitude savings account, accumulating moments of appreciation to build myself a richer life. Fortuna fears that, in some cases, this kind of exercise could be counterproductive. Nevertheless, after four weeks of counting my gratitude, I think I will keep doing it — for as long as I remember to, at least.

      I sometimes find that, before bed, my thoughts speed up into an anxious whirl; concentrating on what has brought me gratitude that day seems to quieten my mind. I am also finding more things to be grateful for as they happen — it is a useful tool for reflection, for noticing things I might otherwise take for granted. While the diary has helped me in some ways, I am no evangelist. As Wood says, there have not been enough studies to prove that the relationship between gratitude and wellbeing is causal, rather than correlated. We should be wary, he says, of leaping to conclusions about how a gratitude diary can improve mental health: the positive effects may be partly explained by the act of doing something for oneself, with hope and optimism.

      There have been moments of gratitude in my life that have been transformative and they have all been spontaneous. I have felt it while volunteering at The Listening Place , a charity for people who are suicidal, where I listened to a visitor as she told me the story of her life.

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      I have felt it with my husband, when in moments of acute distress I have not known what I needed, but he has. I have also felt it in psychoanalytic psychotherapy, when my therapist has seen and understood me in a way I have never experienced before; she has helped me towards the painful realisation that I have unknowingly limited my experience of life through my thoughts, feelings and reactions.

      At these moments, gratitude has made me feel as if I am experiencing a new layer of life. While keeping my diary has been helpful, at times I have ended up with something that looks like gratitude and sounds like gratitude, but feels like something flatter, just words accumulating on a page — a thank-you letter a child has been forced to write.

      In your grateful moment under the starry sky, you do not experience yourself as separate from a giver who may or may not be kind, but seeing the secret you are the secret. Our only possible emotions would be pity, charity, kindliness, perhaps sadness or amusement. But this is precisely the way in which self-actualizing people do at times react to the world, and in which all of us react in our peak-experiences.

      Our conceptual framework will inevitably shape experience, but we must make every effort to correct our concepts in turn by ever-alert attention to experience. Within a given religion, the mystics play this role by their emphasis on experience. Gratefulness is the mystical dimension of gratitude, thankfulness its theological one.

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      Thankfulness can, indeed, be grafted onto gratefulness; there it will thrive and bear rich fruit. The history of spirituality proves this fact. But mysticism must continually correct theology. Something similar is true of our personal lives. Gratefulness must continually flow into our thanksgiving to make it full. Maybe we need more silence.

      Maybe we simply need now and then to look up at the silent stars and lose ourselves to be set free. This essay was first commissioned by Beliefnet for Thanksgiving In his meetings and retreats, Rupert Spira explores the perennial, non-dual understanding that lies at…. Where the spiritual path really begins to get interesting is when we recognize that transforming…. This site is brought to you by A Network for Grateful Living, a c 3 nonprofit. All donations are fully tax deductible in the U.

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