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Table of contents

Cultured even. She went smilingly, as if to the opera. At the first opportunity I returned to the building a little better dressed, located her apartment from the porter, and broke in. She had been living plainly. In one corner of the room she had set up a table, and had been writing her memoirs. I sat down and read, and eventually took the pages away with me. She had got no further than the first seven years of her life. I wondered, again in my vanity, if I would have been chronicled in the book. Probably not. I took some of her clothes too; only items she had worn when I had known her.

But I wanted something to remember her by; to picture her in. Though on reflection I never met a human being more fitted to dress purely in her skin. So I lost her a second time, more the fault of my own cowardice than circumstance.


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Ess in for four weeks. She was given more or less everything she asked for, except her freedom, and she only asked for that in the most abstracted fashion. Once or twice she wondered 44 Darkness: Two Decades of Modern Horror if Titus had told the two men and the woman who were keeping her a prisoner in the house exactly what she was capable of: she guessed not. They treated her as though she were simply a woman Titus had set eyes on and desired. They had procured her for his bed, simple as that. With a room to herself, and an endless supply of paper, she began to write her memoirs again, from the beginning.

It was late summer, and the nights were getting chilly. Her body, without sex, became a mystery to her again; and she realized for the first time that physical love had been an exploration of that most intimate, and yet most unknown region of her being: her flesh. She thought of Vassi again; and the lake, at the thought of him, was roused as if by a tempest. Her breasts shook into curling mountains, her belly ran with extraordinary tides, currents crossed and recrossed her flickering face, lapping at her mouth and leaving their mark like waves on sand.

As she was fluid in his memory, so as she remembered him, she liquified. She thought of the few times she had been at peace in her life; and physical love, discharging ambition and vanity, had always preceded those fragile moments. There were other ways presumably; but her experience had been limited. Her mother had always said that women, being more at peace with themselves than men, needed fewer distractions from their hurts.

She left off writing her memoirs when she reached her ninth year. She despaired of telling her story from that point on, with the first realization of on-coming puberty. She burnt the papers on a bonfire she lit in the middle of her room the day that Pettifer arrived. One month seemingly healthy, the next sucked up from the inside, selfdevoured. He looked like a husk of a man: his skin grey and mottled. Only his eyes glittered, and those like the eyes of a mad dog.

He was dressed immaculately, as though for a wedding. Locked up. I was prepared, after Lyndon, for another slaughter of the innocents. These people are. May I close the door?

Darkness: Two Decades of Modern Horror

She liked the way he was with her, cowed but elated. He closed the door, and locked it. And I fear you. In fact, I think I love you because I fear you. Is that a sickness? Otherwise there would have been chaos. When I was gone. Reduced to nothing. And there is nowhere for me to go. Do you follow?

Could he not have found a better way to say it? She almost laughed, it was so trite. The glittering eyes were steady on her. Kill me, however you please. Masochist to Sadist: Hurt me! Sadist to Masochist: No. I taught you nothing. I can control myself now. Punish me for it. Please to God. I need only this one thing from you. Do it out of whatever motive you have in you. Compassion, or contempt, or love. But do it, please do it. He crossed the room suddenly, and slapped her, very hard.

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He was right; you are. Gutterslut, nothing better. Then he stopped, panting. Blows, then bargains. She was seeing him twisted through tears of shock, which she was unable to prevent. It was playing into his hands, becoming the instrument of his will: powerless. She had been bred like a cow, to give a certain supply.

Of care to husbands, of milk to babies, of death to old men. And, like a cow, she was expected to be compliant with every demand made of her, whenever the call came. Well, not this time. She went to the door.

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He ran at her before she could unlock the door, and the blow — in its force, in its malice — was totally unexpected. In her stomach, the thing that wanted to kill grew a little larger. Still the words came: the same dirty words that had been thrown at generations of unsubmissive women. Whore; heretic; cunt; bitch; monster. Yes, she was that. Yes, she thought: monster I am. The thought made it easy.

She turned.

A Day In The Life Of A Dental Hygienist

He knew what she intended even before she looked at him. He dropped his hands from her head. Her anger was already in her throat coming out of her — crossing the air between them.

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Monster he calls me: monster I am. I do this for myself, not for him. Never for him. For myself!