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As you deal with your parent's cancer, you'll probably feel all kinds of things. Many other teens who have a parent with cancer have felt the same way you do.
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They are preoccupied with thoughts about their sexuality, values, questions about the hereditariness of the disease, death, and so on. Despite this, with a young person it is important to talk about the illness openly and honestly. For parents, having a child diagnosed with cancer is a devastating experience. It often prompts feelings of guilt, even though there is nothing they could have done to prevent the illness. It is important to try to help the child live as normal and varied life as possible despite the illness.

The member association of the Cancer Society of Finland, Sylva, the national association for children and young people who have cancer, was established by the parents of children with cancer. The association assists children and young people and their parents by organising rehabilitation and recreational activities for families and by publishing material on cancer in children.

Sylva in Finnish. Friends give support during illness. They can help you to stay positive and strong. The one who has fallen ill can talk honestly to his or her friends. Some people who have cancer find that their circle of friends changes during the illness. This may be for a variety of reasons. Or then the person who is ill may withdraw socially. Look at these and other stress warning signs in children. If your kids are having great difficulty with the situation, you may notice that these behaviors occur more frequently, in a wider range of situations, and last for more than a few days.

If you are worried, talk with your children's teachers, parents of their friends, or other adults who know your sons and daughters well, and ask them for their impressions. You might also consult a professional, such as a hospital social worker, psychologist, or pediatrician.


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If you suspect that your children are overwhelmed and struggling, find a quiet moment to ask them how they are doing. Your kids may not be able to identify, much less explain, their thoughts and feelings. Help them out by gently noting their behavior and asking if they are worried about something and would like to talk to you about it.

Ask your kids if they have any ideas of what might help. Listen, but don't depend solely on their ideas. Let your children know that you will think about how to help them, too. Then consider sitting down with your partner and coming up with ways to add support, cut demands, or change routines to lighten the stress on your children. Even when you are open and willing to talk, however, your kids may not want to upset you with their worries or concerns.

Let them know that this is okay: that many children are more comfortable talking with someone other than the ill parent. Help them identify another adult to whom they could turn, and then ask this person if he or she is willing to be available in this way. Learn more about how to help children cope. If, in spite of your efforts, your child continues to seem troubled, consider looking for professional help.

Ask your doctor, pediatrician, social worker, or school counselor for referrals. Your child may respond with enthusiastic relief or stark refusal — or somewhere in between. Some children will welcome the idea of attending a support group or talking to someone; others will reluctantly go along with whatever you suggest. Still others will refuse outright, or will need convincing. Offer to go with them, or even go yourself to get some ideas you can try at home.

When a parent is diagnosed with cancer, the family's busy life suddenly becomes much busier. In addition to the usual household chores and child rearing responsibilities, you must somehow sandwich in oncology appointments and treatment visits, not to mention time to rest or adjust to other side effects of the cancer and its treatment. So as soon as you can, take a little time to think about how you and your family might manage these increased demands. By identifying your new priorities and needs which might be quite different from your past concerns , and by getting organized, you and your family may find it easier to juggle these new challenges.

First, think about your family's routines.

Reactions and emotions to childhood cancer | Cancer Council Victoria

In the past, perhaps you needed order and predictability, reflected in your tidy home and regularly scheduled meals. How important is this now, given your changed circumstances? Is this the time to lower your expectations, take a nap, and then ask your partner or neighbor to pick up a nutritious take-out meal on the way home from work? You and your family are the only ones who can decide which standards and routines to keep, and which ones you can temporarily put aside.

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But try to be flexible, and don't insist that you do things exactly as you have in the past. Remember, the treatments won't last forever and you and your family will once again return to more predictable lives. So reassess your priorities, let go of those aspects of daily life that aren't so important, and be gentle with yourself, your partner, and your children.

Again, try not to assume that what you and your family needed in the past is the same as what you need today. Many people take great pride in taking care of themselves and their family without outside help. They don't think of themselves as people who need the assistance of others. You may be this type of person. But the situation has now changed. You and your family are dealing with many more tasks and stresses than ever before.

If you make a list of your old and new family and household responsibilities, you might be surprised to see how long it is. You might even decide to ask others to help out. When you look over your list of new and old responsibilities, you may notice that you can delegate some, but must keep charge of others.

How to tell children about cancer?

Friends and family may be able to fix meals, take your children to basketball try-outs, or pick up your medicine. They can't take a nap or receive chemotherapy for you.


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So try to find time to identify those responsibilities you can hand over, and those you either need or choose to do yourself. Perhaps you feel overwhelmed at the prospect of asking for help, or at the sheer amount of help you think you need.

Many share this reaction. Try to create a support system that helps you identify a person to be your key coordinator. This person takes responsibility for contacting other helpers and assigning them jobs. Once you and your coordinator define your needs and schedules, you often are more able to focus on your health and well being while others take care of the daily tasks of life.

Talking about your cancer is exhausting and difficult. Who could blame you if you feel like keeping it private? Even dealing with the kindness of others can sometimes seem like another burden. And yet, you and your family may benefit if you keep at least a few key people informed. Others can help you by making meals, arranging car pools for your kids, and driving you to your medical appointments.

They might also help you have fun and laugh once in a while, and be there to encourage and comfort you during the difficult times. Potentially, your children also have a lot to gain. When their teachers understand what is going on at home, they may respond more sensitively to your children's changing behavior and moods. If the father of your son's best friend knows what you've already told your son, he might reinforce this message and offer to be a sounding board.

Another family may offer to take care of your kids when you're not feeling well, or provide extra attention and warmth when they're with your kids. A minister or rabbi might be familiar with ways that other families have coped with a cancer diagnosis, and your religious community might also have a program that helps to organize meals or transportation for families facing serious illness. See the previous question and answer for related information.

Try to be as specific as possible about what you would like this person to say.

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For example, you might suggest that your friend tell others, "Steven and Kathy have told their children that he has lung cancer, and that he will be going into the hospital to have an operation. They are very optimistic, and ask you to communicate this hope as well. Try not to pity their children, or tell them to be brave. Steven and Kathy prefer that you say something simple and caring, such as, 'I'm sorry that you and your family are having a rough time right now. If you ever need anything, let me know. I'd love to help. Most parents who have been diagnosed with cancer dread the day when their children ask, "Are you going to die?

Your response will, in large part, depend upon your circumstances, including what kind of cancer you have and what its course is likely to be.


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    • Thinking through your answer ahead of time may lessen your anxiety and provide your children with the information they seek. Try to answer simply and directly, using language they can understand. If you lie to them, your kids are likely to learn the truth in a less-than-ideal way-perhaps by hearing the grown-ups talking, or by eavesdropping on a phone conversation.

    Be prepared to answer their questions to the best of your knowledge, but keep in mind that there is no need to talk beyond what is asked. This will give children the chance to absorb information at their own pace; perhaps they will have more questions later. Finding out what they might have heard about cancer is helpful in order to clear up any misinformation. Be honest and hopeful.