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This is a wonderfully illustrated story about a little purple girl. Follow this ongoing story through the many adventures of The Little Purple Girl. Mainly for bedtime.
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• Olympic Photographic Circuit - Olympic Photographic Circuit
• 4th Salon "APOLLO" - Acceptances

The wooden grid at the back of the set is apparently supposed to represent shipbuilding, so now you know. Flags of each participating nation are carried around the runway, and we meet the contestants one group by one. There are no LED screens on the set, which — according to Mr. Pray for us all. So that was the flag ceremony. Four young women, all wearing improbably shiny dresses, and all smiling in a way that suggests rubber bands pulled very, very tight.

Everybody got their paracetamol handy? The song is catchy, generic Europop, and I think he might be about to turn everybody in the front row into vampires. A reminder: nothing in the second slot has ever won. Lea Sirk, singing Hvala, ne! Just me?

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Oh well. Sirk has mostly pink hair, and co-wrote the song herself. At one point she stops the music and tries, not successfully, to get the audience to clap along. Another piano ballad. No gimmicky staging. She has an appealingly throaty voice, and can pull out a hell of a belt when she wants to. Elina Nechayeva, singing something called La Forza. Her dress lights up from underneath and then starts showing projections as she sopranos off into the stratosphere. Whether the song itself is memorable enough to do well, though, is a different question. He mimes playing violin, then drums, then guitar, then starts singing.

Yes, he plays violin for real in the bridge. Our hosts. An interruption from the hosts. If you listened to all the songs ever performed at Eurovision back-to-back, it would take nearly 73 hours. She gets Ms. Estonia to sing an arpeggio. She really does have a hell of a voice. Estonia, not Ms.

Shiny Dress 4. United Kingdom. Memorable chorus, decent voice, bland lyrics. She still believes in chasing rainbows, apparently. Is this a song about the European Research Group?

Very, VERY cool handling of what must have been a frightening moment. She finishes to huge applause and deserves it. Shiny Dress 4 is talking to the Ukrainian singer via an interpreter. She tells him he looks like a vampire. Yes, we know. He moves into bite her. Sanja Ilic and Balkanika, singing Nova Deca. Wind machine. And yes, his song is right out of the Ed Sheeran how-to-write-a-sincere-ballad manual. His performance is suitably anguished, and a lot of people like this sort of thing more than I do. It builds to a ghastly melodramatic climax as swirling beams of red light go insane behind him.

Eugent Bushpepa, with Mall. Madame Monsieur, with Mercy, a song inspired by the refugee crisis. Monsieur plays guitar, Madame sings. Czech Republic. Yes, there is breakdancing. Breakdancing dancers in shell suits.

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Rasmussen, with Higher Ground. Rasmussen looks a bit like Tilda Swinton, if Tilda Swinton had a big bushy red hipster beard.

Beard grooming, unfortunately, might have been a higher priority for Rasmussen than coming up with a decent song. Sixteen Australia. Jessica Mauboy, We Got Love. Jessica is a huge, huge star in Australia. Then she asks Mr. Rubber Outfit from Austria to lift her up three times in five seconds. He does. Finland, Finland, Finland. The country where I quite want to be. Pony-trekking or camping, or just watching TV… where was I? Not in Finland. Saara Aalto, Monsters.

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Hit it, Saara. She sings the first verse while being spun upside-down on a rotating disk. Yes, of course there are fireworks at the end. SuRie was offered the chance to perform again, and declined, saying that she had nothing to prove. Equinox, singing Bones. Four bars in and the screaming starts. One of the singers, I think, not me, but I had to check. Benjamin Ingrosso, Dance You Off. Solo performance in front of a coolly stylish light show consisting of horizontal bars of light.

A metal group, oh joy. Brace yourselves. They are obviously ready to rock. The singer is barefoot, the guitarist does a stage dive, and the drummer should have worn more anti-perspirant. Netta, with a song called Toy. Netta looks a little bit like Dawn French playing Bjork. Nearly there now. Pretty ballad, he hits all the high notes in the chorus, but the staging — which has a boy-meets-boy courtship enacted by two dancers behind Mr. The song is lovely, actually — but the staging is a knockout. Eleni Foureira, Fuego. The last number.

It is indeed mellow.

4th Salon "APOLLO" - Acceptances

Now two of the shiny presenter ladies are handed a phone by a naked man whose dangly bits are conveniently hidden by the onscreen graphics. Oh, how we laughed. Moving swiftly on…. Polina Bogusevich, a Russian year-old with one hell of a voice. She sings a couple of lines a capella, and she is so very pleased to be here on this amazing stage. Fast forward time. Fast forward time again. First, the jury votes, which are based on the dress rehearsal performance last night. A dozen countries in and the UK has nul points.

I mean, really, what did we expect?

Our leaders, most of our newspapers, and a chunk of the public have all spent the past couple of years metaphorically sticking two fingers up at Europe, and what goes around comes around.